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Real Madrid’s recently re-elected club president, Florentino Perez, has made it clear that he intends to secure the greatest players regardless of the cost, and so the inimitable attacker, concurrently holder of the FIFPro World Player of the Year award, the Fifa World Player of the Year award and the Ballon d’Or, should be able to squeeze a fair bit from those considerable coffers.
I’m not talking about image rights, either. If modern footballers are fawned over like rock-stars – and, for the most part, they’re paid far better than your average top 40 trickster – then they need to start concocting the kind of outrageous riders that spawned Spinal Tap. Cristiano Ronaldo, with his penchant for peculiar hairstyles and his tireless commitment to tanning, is the perfect person to kick off a new contractual craze.
Cristiano Ronaldo, with his penchant for peculiar hairstyles and his tireless commitment to tanning, is the perfect person to kick off a new contractual craze...
When even the Pulitzer-winning Los Angeles Times is making wisecracks about your hair gel habits, you’re clearly beyond parody. Why not embrace your image, Cristiano, by demanding that your new club subsidises your sun-bed sessions and salon memberships? Sure, he’s being paid enough money to buy his own bevy of personal beauticians, but as recent political revelations have shown, we’re all happy to try our luck at sticking it all on the company account.
Even those leaving the madness of Madrid know that there is enough money swilling around in the fetid sport of football to fund a few extravagances. Arjen Robben may leave Real to provide some space for Ronaldo on the left wing, and a return to England is possible. Given that he had begun to go bald during his time at Chelsea a couple of years ago, by now his hair must now require some serious help – a Premier League outfit might well pony up for an expensive series of hair transplant surgeries.
The dazzling Dutchman has a number of suitors, and such a prized scalp should be able to convince at least one side to hand him both a hefty salary and a new head of hair. There are precedents, after all: Lionel Messi was tempted away from Argentina by FC Barcelona when they promised to pay for treatment of his growth hormone deficiency, having been persuaded by his startling potential.
Several years on, Messi may not be startlingly tall, but his talent has startled defenders across the globe: the miniature marksman scored Barcelona’s second goal in the Champions League final, securing his club a domestic treble. What seemed like an unusual expense at the time proved to be a shrewd investment a few seasons down the line.
The public might scoff if Arsenal, Chelsea or Spurs attempted to lure David Beckham back to his hometown with a personal tattooist, but if his right boot could help to deliver a league title, it would be worth all the needle-wielders’ wages in the world. Perhaps newly moneyed Manchester City could even snare Messi with an orthopaedic expert, ready to manufacture bespoke, Cuban-heeled football boots?
It seems like a silly idea now, but then didn’t they all laugh when Christopher Columbus when he said the world was round? Crazy contracts and unusual offers are the future – it’s only a matter of time.
What should stars demand during their next negotiations? How would you tempt a titan into joining your team? Post your ideas below.
"Crazy contracts and unusual offers are the future – it’s only a matter of time"
Were you quoting Peter Ridsdale or Mike Ashley there?
If Ridsdale had given Seth Johnson a lower basic wage but thrown a few wigs into the deal, he might have performed a bit better..
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