New year's resolutions

What will the New Year bring?

1) Kick more children – Really, they just get in the way. You’re walking through a crowded street and the only thing between you and Millie’s Cookies is a small child going half the pace. If you just had the nerve to give it a swift kick you’d be munching on double chocolate chips five minutes sooner.

2) Laugh at people when they fall over – You know the situation, someone has just slipped over and is now lying spread-eagled on the floor, you suppress a chuckle and go over to help them up – but really you’re helping no one. If you let them get up on their own then you’re encouraging them to be independent. It’s best to let out a good belly-laugh too for good measure, because it’ll make you feel better, and you’ll be long gone by the time they struggle to their feet.

3) Do my essay the day it is set – You tell yourself that you need the full three weeks for reading and preparation but why waste that time? You could spend one day skimming Wikipedia and adding connectives to copied and pasted sentences then spend the next three weeks doing something constructive. Like playing Mario Kart.

4) Walk on the ice on the lake – Because how dangerous actually is it? Everyone knows it’s just a myth to stop students having fun. I work hard so I deserve to play hard, and that means fighting the system. Ensuring my well-being? Nice try University...

5) Get an STI in Ziggy’s – Everyone needs to make a contribution to help our college win the Chlamydia challenge this year and there’s no excuse not to get involved because there are enough people on the rugby team to go around...

6) Find Jake Gyllenhaal and marry him – I need to start being realistic about the who I date. After all, I can’t keep going out with lovely, kind, down-to-earth men who actually exist, I have to find someone who’s far too good-looking, unattainable and who can have anyone they want.

7) Talk loudly in the library – I have a voice too, I need to be more confident and make myself heard. Where’s better than a room full of eager students who will definitely be listening to every word you say?

8) Stop washing the dishes – I mean, why should I wash my own dishes? I’ve only used them to eat from and then left them on the side in a pile so no one else can cook. If they want to be tidy that’s their problem, seriously do they have no consideration for the feelings of others who just don’t want to do their dishes? Anyway, I need to develop my interests and I’ve decided I want to measure mould growths on four week old pasta, it’s all in the name of science.

9) Start eating a chocolate orange every day for breakfast – My mum always tells me that it’s important to start the day right, what better way than with a lovely, nutritious chocolate orange? It’s got milk in which is good for your bones and it’s shaped like an orange, that’s got to count for something.

10) Spend no money at all – I will start walking to town instead of getting the bus and while I’m there I’ll take up shoplifting. I won’t spend over £5 on cake in the Courtyard when all I really wanted was a coffee but couldn’t get cash out at one of the four BROKEN cash points on campus, instead I’ll just eat the leftovers of the people on the table next to me. I’ll stop food shopping and live off free samples from the Fudge Kitchen and Hotel Chocolat, or stare in through the Pizza Hut window tears in my eyes until they take pity on me and toss me some garlic bread. I won’t buy any more toiletries or pay for heating because the icy, unwashed look is SO in this year. I’ll take to squatting in Derwent too because they’re out partying most of the time anyway and won’t actually notice.

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