That Girl from Derwent dwells on the value of religion this Christmas.
That Girl from Derwent has learned a few more things about prejudice since moving up North.
That Girl From Derwent reckons if you're going to be offensive, you should find a better reason.
That Girl from Derwent considers why it is that some words have wider implications than others.
During the furore of the Royal Wedding on Friday, The Yorker was able to get hold of some insider knowledge through various means (you’d be surprised how many Royals are broke). First, from the News of the World team who brought you the voicemails of celebrities from across the country, the secretly bugged conversation between Wills and Harry as they awaited the bride’s arrival:
HARRY: Last chance.
WILLS: For what?
HARRY: To change your mind. It’s not too late, but you need to let me know now before everyone gets too excited.
WILLS: Too excited? People have been queuing since 5am!
HARRY: Mmm, but remember, this day is all about you. It’s not for them.
WILLS: But people across the country have been planning celebrations for months…
HARRY: OK, apart from the crowds outside and months of preparation, there’s no pressure if this isn’t what you want.
WILLS: You do know how much money has been spent on all of this?
HARRY: Fine, apart from the crowds, the month of preparation and the millions of pounds that we’ve spent, there’s no pressure. It’s about your relationship, not tradition and ceremony.
WILLS: So it would be absolutely fine if me and Kate just ran off, got married at Gretna Green and cut out all of the pomp and cirumstance?
HARRY: Hmm, you have a point. But apart from the crowds, the months of preparation, the millions of pounds, and the hundreds of years of tradition and expectation lying on your shoulders, there is no pressure, seriously.
[Trumpets; the Queen has arrived.]
HARRY: Ah, too late. You can’t disappoint Gran now she’s here. Right, so remember, this day is all about you…
The Yorker is also salaciously excited to report that Harry’s attempts to woo the nation’s new favourite bridesmaid, Pippa Middleton, at the reception were met with a brand of commoner’s banter we hope to hear more of from Buckingham Palace. When asked by a friend what she thought of the Prince, Pippa is reported to have voiced worries about Harry’s “inability to hold his ale, dubious choices of uniform, and his being a bit ginge.” Harry was later seen stumbling past his newly-married brother muttering “at least I’ve still got all my hair.”
What you might have missed: the cartwheeling verger. Bless him.
In other news this week:
David Cameron proved he may have watched TV in the past 5 years or so, when he told an MP to “Calm down, Dear!” Following suit, Tories announced further NHS cuts with the slogan “Bang! And your funding’s gone!” Barry Scott is reportedly furious at the flagrant disregard for copyright.
Bin Laden – dead and buried?
Continuing its mission to bring the personal correspondences of the rich and famous to the masses, The Yorker has intercepted text messages between Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton:
Barack: Bin Laden story out there ftw!! Ppl askin qs bout the body tho.fml.
Hillary: need 2 think of a gd excuse y body not around. U briefed evry1 bout official line? No deal w/Al-Q – we smashed his ass.
Barack: Hang on, bbc on line brb
[A few minutes later]
Barack: Told them buried him at sea – ttlly bought it LMAO!
Hillary: literally ROFL rite now!!!
And finally… Want to see a man trying to escape a police raid of a brothel in China … naked? Sure you do.
Can’t wait until next week? Check out the satire team’s Double Take articles in the Comment section. It’s a lorra lorra laughs.
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