Harriet Jean Evans takes a look at the social commentary of the past, and explains why she believes it just doesn't matter.
Our anonymous blogger reflects on her attempts to have a student Christmas... and how she came to the conclusion that home-made is always best.
Gillian Love urges you to vote 'No' to the motion to replace Women's Committee with a 'Gender Equality Committee'.
Woo. Hooray. Hurrah. Forgive my excitement but, just in case you’ve been living in a cave for the last few weeks, it’s General Election time. For many in our readership, this will be the first time you get to cast a vote. Choose who’s in. Who’s out. Shape the future of your children, your children’s children, and beyond. Well... sort of...
That’s actually a bit of an exaggeration on my part. The only thing you really get to choose is whether your favourite colour is red, blue or yellow. And the latter is questionable. With so little to choose between each of the three main parties (for those of you who missed the metaphor), I thought I’d be your knight in shining armour and offer my suggestions as to what, in my opinion, would comprise the ideal Parliament. You’re welcome.
Foreign Office We’re generally a friendly bunch as a nation. Aside from the odd incident of football hooliganism and cheap labour exploitation, we like to think we’re a mild-mannered lot who think about others. It reasons, then, that the Foreign Secretary should be someone who is well-known for knowledge of other cultures. Someone who thinks about immigration and international people every day of their lives. Someone who isn’t afraid to say what they think. When I approached the gentleman in question for comment, Nick Griffin politely told me to “f*** off.” It seems he’d much prefer to speak to someone with blonde hair and blue eyes. And a 1940s Nazi-esque look about them, his publicist added. I’ll try another day.
Home Office On the opposite side of the coin, the perfect Government needs a Home Secretary who has the UK on their mind constantly. If it were advertised in the Job Centre, the ideal candidate would be a motivator of others, with a forthright opinion and an intense feeling towards Britain. One person in particular springs to mind – who better to motivate people than radical Muslim cleric Abu Hamza? We’ve already seen his commitment to trying to win people over, and few people spend as much time ruminating over the UK than he does. And, if that isn’t enough, we’d probably be fulfilling some sort of EU quota by employing an ex-prisoner. Yay for my Government!
Department of Justice Of course, the right Justice Secretary would be skilled in keeping people out of prison in the first place. Governments have gone down the road of devising crime prevention techniques, and this clearly hasn’t worked. Pete Doherty has shown time and time again his uncanny ability to avoid being imprisoned, irrespective of what he may have done this time, and I would value his insider knowledge as to how he’s quite managed it.
Department of Health The only potential problem I can see with employing Pete Doherty is his not-quite-squeaky-clean past when it comes to... erm... enjoying himself with certain naughty substances. With a bit of luck, my Health Secretary Conrad Murphy would be able to find a way of helping him. Once. And. For. All. Ignoring the current indictment of murder against him, it can’t be denied that Dr Murphy’s expertise has definitely stopped a certain celebrity’s various medical problems.
Department of Transport and Chancellor of the Exchequer Now I know this may seem a little bit of an odd combination, but there is method to my madness. Willie Walsh is still going as the Chief Exec of British Airways, despite financially ruining Britain’s flag carrier, causing his staff to lose all respect for him and making one of the world’s biggest airlines a laughing stock. BUT HE’S STILL THERE! I have no idea what he’s doing to stop himself getting kicked out of the company, but whatever it is could well be useful in Government so I say we give him a chance. To be honest, the main reason is that I think Willy Walsh would be a good replacement in the House of Commons for Ed Balls. Tee he he. See what I did there?
Ministry of Defence This is one of the most important roles in Government, encompassing protection of our borders, guarding against foreign enemies and generally kicking ass. I’ve put an awful lot of thought into this, drawing up literally half a side of A5 of possible candidates. But there is one man who stands out. One man to rule them all. One man to find them. One man to bring them all and in the darkness bind them. I’m having a tough time getting hold of him (maybe the Foreign Secretary can set up better communication with the Middle East Earth) but if anyone can get in touch with Gandalf the Grey, then give him my number. Cheers for that.
Black Rod Let’s face it, no one knows what “Black Rod” does. Tiger Woods seems as good a suggestion as any though. He never misses an opportunity to whip his out. Speaking of which...
Chief Whip Again, the Chief Whip is one of those jobs that are really just an excuse to get someone back into work and off the benefits system. I thought about someone who scrounges off the tax payer, and came across a certain Royal named Zara Phillips. Never seen without a whip in her hand, I think this avid rider (of horses) would make this a job that people might actually start to understand and care about. If she’s up for it, she can most definitely sit on my Front Bench any day.
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