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No, instead we have Geordie Shore, a show which is best described as the illegitimate love-child of hit reality show Jersey Shore and Paul Gascoigne (in much the same way as TOWIE is the product of a drunken three-way between The Hills, Jodie Marsh, and a housebrick). For those still in the dark, you remember how every year in Big Brother they would toss a scattering of chavs in with the psychologically damaged fameseekers and post-op transsexuals in the hope that they would get together and produce what The Sun classily termed the “Big Brother bonk”? Geordie Shore is that dream multiplied by a fridge full of Jagermeister and divided by eight scantily-clad twenty-somethings. Howay the lads, indeed.
There are so many priceless quotes in the first episode alone that it’s almost impossible to narrow it down, so here’s just a brief smattering…
Vicky on going out in Newcastle: “If someone’s wearing a coat, like, you’re an absolute freak.”
James on work: “The hardest graft I’ve ever done is probably do me hair… me full time occupation is smashing birds.”
Sophie on herself: “I’m 21, I’m a complete slut, and I’m gonna put out.”
Jay on himself: “A fanny-rat is basically a lad who’s after all the fanny, you know what I mean, and is getting all the fanny.”
Charlotte on chastity: “I’ve slept with quite a lot of people… [hurriedly backtracking] - not loads, not like thousands…”
I think that gives you a basic flavour of their personalities…
Within the hour, Sophie is absolutely smashed and hurling chunks in the upstairs toilet, Jay and James are divvying up the girls, and Holly (“I’m fit, I’m flirty, I’ve got double Fs”) hasn’t even arrived yet. She eventually gets to the house, appropriately clothed in micro-skirt and suspenders, and everything seems to be going swimmingly… until the lads discover where’s she’s from…
Jay: “If you’re from Middlesbrough you might as well be from fucking Mars… To be a true Geordie, you gotta be born in Newcastle. She doesn’t look like a Geordie, she doesn’t talk like a Geordie… She’s nae Geordie, she’s not one of us.”
Poor Holly. Not ever her party trick of putting a glass between her boobs and drinking from it can save her now…
It goes on. In all honesty, the only way this program could be any funnier is if it was narrated by Attenborough:
David: “Observe the Greater Faketan Geordie in his native habitat… watch carefully as he whips his top off as the opening gambit in a complicated mating ritual designed to attract the female Geordie. Later, after a long night at the local watering hole, the ritual will be complete when he brings two sluts back to the shagpad and gives them both a good smashing. Way-ay, mun.”
Geordie Shore is on MTV every Tuesday at 10pm. Tune in or catch it online the next day, and check back next week for Part II of this special iSlayer, where will be further examining the habits of these mysterious creatures.
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