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These days you’re nobody until you are murdered in the full glare of the media spotlight. We polled the readers of Not Bad! magazine and found that the killing of Colonel Gaddafi came second only to the mafia-style execution of Osama bin Laden as our readers favourite. Some in Libya had feared that coming so soon after the leaders of the free world trampled international diplomacy to kill Bin Laden, Gaddafi’s death may turn out to be a damp squib. Luckily for all concerned, Bin Laden’s burial at sea, or what used to be laughingly referred to as “chucking a man off a boat”, meant that he was quickly forgotten and all cameras were free to focus on the death of the Libyan despot. Not ones to miss a chance to jump on a triumphalist band wagon we sent one of our reporters to meet newly engaged Alex Reid, 36, and Chantelle Houghton, 28, to ask their views on the recent demise of the Libyan dictator.
Let me first of all congratulate you on your recent engagement and Chantelle the ring looks absolutely lovely. Can I start by asking what you know about Libya?
Chantelle: [Giggling] Oh you’re so bad asking us that, it’s part of a woman’s naughty bits isn’t it.?
Alex: No babe, he means the country, Libya, and yes I actually know a joke about it.
Chantelle: [Looks lovingly at Alex] go on tell it, you’re well funny. He’s well funny, that’s why I love him.
Alex: Well, the other day I told my mate that me and my new sexy fiancé, Big Brother’s Chantelle, were going on holiday to the middle east, he said “Libya?” and I said … “no she went of her own accord”.
You mean Jamaica?
Alex: What?
You know, Jamaica? … no, she went of her own accord…
Alex: Why mention Jamaica? Are you bringing that up because me and Katie [Price, preposterously enhanced pretend author aka Jordan, and Alex‘s ex] went there on our honeymoon? You journalists are always trying to stir things.
[Awkward pause]
Chantelle: It won’t work with us though, we’ve been together for ages and we’re trying for a baby.
How long have you been together?
Chantelle: Almost eight months.
Perhaps it would be better to try for a baby after a little more time? At least as long as the traditional gestation period for a human foetus?
[Both look confused]
How do you feel about the fact that until very recently Britain was still selling weapons to Gaddafi?
Alex: I don’t know a lot about Gaddafi’s, but I’ve got a big weapon haven’t I babe? Hahaha! [turns and looks lustfully at Chantelle].
Chantelle: You know it’s not the size of the weapon that counts, but the, er…
Hypocrisy of the government that sold it?
[Both look confused - again]
Is it possible that killing a man without trial is an undemocratic and bloodthirsty way to begin what will hopefully become a new democracy?
Chantelle: Killing him seems a bit, y’know, harsh. If I was a Libyan rebel who had been under his cruel, oppressive regime for forty-two years, I’d be like: whatever, the military look was so 2010, and every single time you‘re on T.V., get a new stylist babe.
Alex: yeah, Big Brother’s Chantelle always looks well fit.
Some people have said that, Alex, you proposed live on Irish television as a publicity stunt, and that you were annoyed the rebels killed Gaddafi when they did because you got less press coverage?
Chantelle: At the end of the day some people are just haters and I’ve had to get used to that. If NATO and the Libyan rebels want to try and spoil our special day then that’s their problem, they’re just ignorant. Me and Alex don’t let other people’s negative vibes bother us, and anyway, to be quite honest the rebels I saw looked like they got their clothes from a Matalan reject bin.
Alex: Yeah, we love each other and that’s what counts. Whose to say that the new regime will turn out to be any better than the old one and then everyone will be like “why did we make such a big fuss about those Libyans, we should have focussed more on Alex and Chantelle’s engagement”.
Thank you both very much for taking time out to talk to Not Bad!
For full gruesome pictures of Gaddafi’s last moments go to pages 3, 4, 5, 11, 17, 19 or every single other media outlet.
Next week Jennifer Aniston talks to us about fancying British men, saving penguins from frostbite and celebrity armpit-hair disasters.
lolled my arse off at this, well done
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