Double Take - CofE almost makes decision on St. Paul's protest

It has been more than three weeks since anti-capitalist protesters took up residence on the steps of St. Paul’s cathedral. The protesters had originally planned to disrupt the London Stock Exchange to highlight the inherent inequities in the free-market capitalist system. Before any disruption could occur, however, the police stepped in to move the protestors from outside the Stock Exchange and on to the steps of St. Paul’s.

The powers that be evidently decided that it was preferable to hinder those good people of London who may be seeking eternal spiritual salvation than to disrupt the excellent, selfless, work of the gentlemen and ladies at the Stock Exchange.

Crisis averted, it was self-congratulation and drinks all round.

The problem was now firmly at the door of the Church of England. As is their wont, the Church has handled the issue with the same blend of courageous decisiveness and forthright action with which they have dealt with questions such as that of gay clergy.

No sooner had the protestors set up camp on the steps of the cathedral than the Church’s top brass immediately set about gazing at their navels. Sources within the Church have revealed that it is almost a certainty that a committee will be set up within the next decade or two to address the issue.

The Church has now not only to answer the general question of how to appease both protestors and city officials alike, but also specific religious questions being posed to them by the protestors. A favourite query, for example, is: what would Jesus do? This being a question of some significance, the massed ranks of the clergy retired behind the huge bolted doors of St. Paul’s to consider it.

The protestors hoping to have invoked the sprit of Jesus upturning the tables of the money lenders with the question, were surprised when the clergy returned after their deliberations with several plates of sardine sandwiches. It wasn’t quite the biblical reference the protestors had intended but the church, at least, was pleased to have remained blandly inoffensive.

Several accusations have also been levelled at the protestors themselves. One of the more damning is that many of them are, in fact, well-to-do types who leave their canvas homes in the evening for the plush luxury of local five-star hotels.

Recent reports have, in fact, supported this claim. During a recent visit to address the crowds by the London Mayor, Boris Johnson, onlookers were certain they heard one protestor arranging a luncheon date with the ex-Bullingdon club member when, during his speech a lone voice cried “see you next Tuesday”. Those present were somewhat surprised that Boris’ friend didn’t wait until the end of the speech to make the arrangements.

Happily this whole dark cloud does have a silver lining. In an unprecedented and heart-warming show of solidarity, religious leaders of various persuasions have turned up at the tented village to offer their support.

The Jewish mothers group has been making hot chicken soup to warm the hardy protestors as the cold November nights draw in. Muslim imams have been organising cartoon drawing classes to keep the protestors entertained. Even old differences were put aside as Catholic priests came to lend a helping hand by offering a child-minding service.

Thankfully the whole sorry affair has now been resolved following a brilliant intervention by the home secretary, Theresa May. Appearing on last Thursday’s BBC Question Time, Ms. May said “they may be anti-capitalist protestors but I’ve seen them queuing at Starbucks” to which she added her customary sneering smile.

May has, by accurately pointing out that the protestors both adhere to the social norm of queuing AND drink hot beverages, brilliantly won the argument and diffused the situation. Thanks to her everyone can now go home. Well done Tess, the lattes are on you.

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