James Metcalf on the fictionality of the latest archaeological page-turners
Stephen Puddicombe looks at the unusual appeal of Samuel Beckett's Waiting for Godot
Ciaran Rafferty investigates the science of book classification
Davina isn't pregnant! This must be the first year that she hasn't been "with child", what could this mean for the series? Will she be harsher to the contestants now she isn't filled with that motherly glow? Or will the time she must have to devote to her clan mean that she won't be completely dedicated to the cause? Only time will tell. She enters the house to give us a tour, a bit like your future mother-in-law would after a couple of sherries. That's if your future mother-in-law livid in a garishly couloured, ultra-modern house that even the bloke from Grand Designs would have reservations about. Hang on... is that an oven in the bedroom? And... a fridge in the garden? The kitchen seems to have exploded, scattering it's contents throughout the house in an attempt to cause what Davina hungrily refers to as "friction".
Hang on... is that an oven in the bedroom?
Later, at the halfway point of this television extravaganza, it's all girls in the house. Perhaps this time the "gimmick" will be an all female house with the inevitable hope of some sapphic action. Classy. Here we go then:
1 and 2. A pair of 18-year-old blonde twins, Sam and Amanda, had arrived first. The production team have clearly decided to treat them like mature individuals, kitting them out with matching lollipops and lingering on handholding at bottom-height shots in the introductory VT.
3. Lesley, a sixty-year-old ex-head-hunter who claims to count Charles and Camilla amongst her closest friends, and to have attended a dinner-party where she was the only guest with a house not open to the public. She describes herself as eccentric, although a better description may be delusional. Anyhow, she looks distinctly unipressed by the pink twins, who squeal round her like piglets with hair extensions.
4. Charlie, Kieran Richardson's cousin (!) and someone the baying crowds can really get their teeth in to as she describes herself as an "it" girl, explaining that even though she can't hold down a job her life is bearable because she "can still shop and stuff". Davina sweety interprets the crowd's shouts of "she's a whore" as "get a job". Yeah right, Davina, maybe in a pre-watershed working-class version of the show.
5. Tracey, a farmer's daughter in brighly couloured knit-wear, who describes her passions in life as getting completely wasted, and cleaning. She seems to know few words apart from "av it". A short stay in the house is predicted. Remember Bubble? Or Emma? Like that but more fun.
Time for a hotty, Channel 4? Certainly!
6. Chanelle is a self cofessed Victoria Beckham lookalike, who, surprisingly, bases her entire look on Victoria Beckham. In her audition tapes this look seems to be focussed on lingerie, but she has progressed to full dress in order to enter the house. Realistically, she looks about as much like VB as I would if I got her haircut and stole her wardrobe.
Taking a welcome break it is upsetting to note that Mowbli is no more. Instead, the company that has paid over-the-odds to wait six weeks before announcing that they are withdrawing their sponsorship after some scandal involving a working class person is exaggerated by the tabloid press to the point of treason are Virgin Media. At least the adverts are good, I don't think that the witty subtitles over clips from German Big Brother will get old too quickly, and might even help me pass my LFA course.
7. Shab is another unemployed Londoner (seriously, did they just trawl Embankment for desperate homless people?). Davina thinks that she looks like Amy Winehouse, and she is not wrong.
8. Another suggested lookalike; Emily claims that she spent the whole of last summer being mistaken for Peaches Geldof. The only way that this can be in any way true is if she had made a Mission Impossible-esque Peaches mask and gone round telling people that she was Bob's daughter. And she talks about indie as if it were invented by the Libertines.
9. Laura, someone from Wales, may have been speaking Welsh in her audition tape. It was hard to tell as the only comprehensible words she uttered were "I speak very fast", and that came out oddly, as if they had to slow the tape right down. The piglets look shocked, but Shab saves the day by revealing that she "loves Welsh people", making Laura feel right at home.
10. An orphan! From the Mother Theresa orphanage! Not actually adopted, Truman Show-esque, by Channel 4, but by some middle class southerners who either also adopted or produced by some method an boy from Skins! Good work! She seems quite nice really, which means that she could be this year's George, the token normal one who always looks a little confused at how they ended up in the house.
Finally... 11. Another oldie! Sharon! She's a proper activist, but looks a bit lonely waving her placard in her garden by herself. I'm sure that this isn't the socialist future that she invisioned in her twenties. Still, at least she's on television.
No guys yet then, although Davina says there's going to be one going into the lion's den on Friday, and Shab reassures everyone that there "is another house of men". Is this true, or just the alcohol that the production team filled them all with talking?
As a final thought, we heard "if there are no guys then me and you will just become lesbians", but we weren't sure which housemates made this ratings drawing pact. This could be a long summer...
