James Metcalf on the fictionality of the latest archaeological page-turners
Stephen Puddicombe looks at the unusual appeal of Samuel Beckett's Waiting for Godot
Ciaran Rafferty investigates the science of book classification
1. Letting small children injure or place themselves in peril in a factory is not criminal negligence. In fact it is a hilarious occasion worthy enough to be commemorated in song. The more perilous the accident, the better the song.
2. Fat people can eat really big cakes and encouraging them to do so means they WILL eat it, regardless of how much you doubt them.
3. Always thoroughly inspect a plate of spaghetti before you eat it.
4. Foxes, rather than being selfishly minded carnivores, are in fact part of the animal bourgeoisie, whose elaborate series of tunnels benefit both meat and plant eater alike.
5. Oompa-loompas are in no way slaves. They are just small tribespeople, lured to work in a factory, seemingly without any pay, while being addicted to chocolate. No the chocolate cannot be compared to drugs. At All.
6. A giraffe, a monkey and a pelican do not constitute a breakout from a zoo. Rather it means that your window cleaning service is here.
7. Roaming bands of giants lurk in the countryside, picking up children at will. The only way to defeat them is to join forces with The King of Sweden.
8. If your parents are away, and your grandmother is around, rather than playing Monopoly or having a chat, the best of course of actions is to mix all the medicines and pills in all the cupboards of the house in one big pot, and then make her drink it.
9. Before you drug one hundred and twenty pheasants and place them in a pram, think of the possible consequences that could happen if this plan goes wrong.
10. Never mess with Norwegian grandmothers. And if you transform a small inquisitive boy into mouse, make sure you have a handy trap nearby. Otherwise, prepare for your life to become hell.
Yes!
At best, the Oompa-Loompas were criminally low-paid immigrant workers with addiction problems.
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