How will Hollywood react to the death of Osama bin Laden?

There’s no doubt that at this moment screenwriters all over Hollywood are scrambling to write “the” definitive version of Osama bin Laden’s death. Surrounded by an elite SEAL commando unit, even with its own bomb-defusing dog, it’ll make great cinema. But there’s more than one way to skin a cat, and more than one way to show this riveting tale:

• The Hangover Part 3: Adottabad

In this alternate universe, the SEAL team are celebrating their victory with bin Laden trussed up like a Christmas turkey, when who else do they run into but the three Hangover wolfpack – the dentist, the cool guy and the inappropriate guy (or the ego, the super ego and the id), who are on a crazy getaway weekend in another exotic location that is in no way a rehash of previous Hangover films. After a lot of drinks and a crazy night that they can remember nothing of, they wake up to find that Osama has escaped, the dentist has done something inexplicably awful to himself again, and there is a king cobra in the pilot seat of the helicopter gunship. Together the two teams must work together to find Osama before High Command find out!

• Lethal Weapon Five

Reprising Danny Glover, last seen selling his soul in 2012, and Mel Gibson, last seen selling his soul full-stop, the wise-cracking duo are sent on a Black Ops mission for a last push at redemption when art imitates life and Gibson has one breakdown too far, insulting the few people he has left to insult. It would give Gibson a chance to reprise his wonderful mullet and chew the scenery, and Glover the opportunity to say “I’m too old for this s**t” when awkwardly dropped from a helicopter.

• 'Terrorist House'

Osama “Beardyman” bin Laden is head of Omega Beta Lambda, the biggest frat house on the sub-continent. Together with his hard-living buddies they have a lot of fun, and a little bit of mayhem. But his boring nerdy older brother Obama, who happens to be the Dean, starts poking his nose into some of his hijinks that went a little wrong, Osama has to quickly act to preserve his slacker way of life! Featuring Charlie Sheen as Bin Laden and Will Ferrell living off the overacting shtick that was only funny in Anchorman.

• Lassie

Tales of derring-do by heroic soldiers are ten-a-penny. What about Lassie, a beautiful thoroughbred pup who gains the attraction of the US military due to his uncanny ability to smell semtex. Torn from his loving family, Lassie is sent far far away to help sniff out bombs, and soon forms a tender bond with the soldiers. But will the fame and glory that his job entails make his old family a far-off memory? Intercut scenes of the raid with hilarious scenes of Lassie sniffing far too intimately at a portly gentleman in the airport.

• Transformers: Adottabad Royal Rumble

There doesn’t need to be a plot here. Something about the future of the earth will do. Bring in Shia LeBoeuf, if only to see his dead eyes as he sells what little artistic talent he possesses to this most soulless of franchises. Get a few hot girls to get the blokes in and then Osama bin Laden, mounted on Megatron like a Power Ranger in a Megazord duelling it out with Optimus Prime. The key moment in the trailer would be the SEALs face contorting in horror as Osama’s compound transformed into a death-dealing robot and started throwing around army machinery like confetti. Throw in a few CGI explosions and patriotic slow shots of the American flag. I’d watch it.

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