Spring term blues?

I can't wait for summer to hit campus again!

Damn. I don’t think I can get away with yet another week of doing absolutely no work. My essay deadline looms next week and I’m beginning to realise that despite doing the reading for my seminars in the loosest sense of the word, most of the time I have little idea what’s actually going on in them. I see people with their mouths moving, so I assume they’re talking – but about what, I have only a vague idea, based usually - but not always - on the book I have in my hand at the time.

I'm going to be honest, I have a bit more of an idea what's going on in my course this year. In fact, I'm doing better than ever in my degree (reassuringly). This week I even started my seminar reading on Monday - for a Friday seminar. Now if that's not keen, I don't know what is.

I’m even writing this in a lecture, believe it or not: a 9.15 that I’m beginning to wish I hadn’t gotten up for. Biology lecture theatres aren’t the most comfortable places in which to try and concentrate first thing in the morning. Last term I went to all of my lectures religiously, 9.15 or not. Now I’m thinking I may start being a bit more selective – not sure if it’s a good habit to get into, but never mind.

I still have lectures in Biology; they're still uncomfortable, but that thank the gods I don't have any 9.15s. I'm not sure I'd be able to cope if I did. Lately, however much sleep I get it never seems to be enough. With regard to being selective, I have started doing that. If I'm not studying a text, I might skip the lecture - but only if I have better things to be doing - like working on an essay. Or, okay, I'll admit it, going shopping (one time only, I swear!).

My seminars are also struggling to live up to last term’s awesomeness. It’s not that my new group is bad – in fact my tutor’s really good – it’s just that I don’t know these people and it’s an awful amount of effort to get to know them. It’s different from last term – as freshers, everyone is keen to get to know everyone and anyone else as soon as they meet them. Now, people have settled into their little groups of friends, and it’s becoming difficult – and people are less inclined – to branch out of those comfortable groups to make new ones. I’m sure we’ll get there eventually, but Uni has become less of the “land of opportunity” I had felt it to be last term.

Well that's just depressing. I think I've stopped expecting the world of my seminars, and they have obliged by offering me a little slice of it each week instead.

But what has really caused these worries and doubts? Well, apart from the need to adjust to work again after the relaxing holiday and empty first week, last week one of my best friends here decided to drop out of Uni. It was a quick decision: the course wasn’t right for her and she was gone before the week was out, leaving us reeling in the aftershock. It left me especially doubtful of whether my course was right for me, and despite coming to the conclusion that (whether especially right or not) it was probably the “most right” for me, I was still unsettled.

Another friend, who stayed at home to retake his a levels, also triggered a “what am I doing at University moment??” He has such conviction that he doesn’t want to waste his life. Attempting to enter Drama School, if he fails, he has determined to take off round the world working as he likes, even if it means he’ll never be rich. He doesn’t want to destroy himself in the boredom of an office job and I don’t want to either – yet he seems to possess the determination and courage that I lack. While I build up my student debt and put off entering the real world, he’s planning to do what I always wanted to.

I know I'm doing the right course. Yesterday I had the most amazing lecture. I only listened to about half of it, but that wasn't the point. What was the point was that I wasn't listening because I was so busy writing. So busy being inspired by what my lecturer was saying. As long as I can still get that enthusiastic about lectures, I know I'm on the right track. So I want to be a writer; well, I think my degree here will give me the knowledge I need to be a good one - as I concluded this time last year:

But – thinking more on it, I have to admit one thing: despite these doubts and fears and worries, I am having one hell of a time at Uni. I am enjoying my societies and my course (and ignoring the debt). As well as this, my dreams of becoming a writer are probably best served by the work I do here, so I shall not be leaving anytime soon.

So it seems as though some things have changed drastically since last year, but there's still a sense of repetition - only this time it's not me. Each week there seems to be some sort of breakdown going on from amongst my circle. It seems as though the stress of work, the stress of relationships - even the stress of friendships reach boiling point in this crucial, halfway-through-the-year stage.

But by looking back at this old blog, I've at least realised that I'm in a much better place than I was last year. So maybe I'm that much better equipped to deal with whoever it is that gets the spring-term blues this year.

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