As we enter a new year, Laura Reynolds looks at how the dating game differs from previous generations.
Laura Reynolds looks at the freedoms of festive singledom
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Lauren Tabbron writes about the difficulties of spending Christmas away from a loved one.
The evening in itself was a multi-purpose initiative, a result of our drive to save money, save our livers, and also, save ourselves from the tragedy that is snogging strangers in town on a Friday night! We decided that, as confident, charismatic, independent and attractive young women, we did not need men to have a good time. We would therefore spend an entire evening, sober, without them…
It is to be both understood, and expected, then, that the next six hours were spent in solidly male orientated discussion. Naturally!
I must say that on discovering that very little had changed in the last ten years, my reaction was mixed. Although it was amusing to draw the parallels: the friend who had finally kissed her crush; the friend whose boyfriend was trying to see her all the time; the friend who couldn’t decide if she fancied her admirer or not…It was a little worrying to realise how much of our time and energy is spent on matters of the opposite sex. In ten years, is this really how far we had come?!
However, there was one thing that had changed! Now that we have been dating for a while, and in many cases our circles of friends have either remained the same or merely expanded over the years, it was becoming obvious that we were starting to step on each other's toes!
Crushes had begun to develop for the same person, in some cases this person being the ex of another friend. It was fast becoming a regular occurrence and, as a result of this, I was forced to ask the question: in an age of preservation and green fingered activity, are there some things that really should not be recycled?!
In an age of preservation and green fingered activity, are there some things that really should not be recycled?!
During my time at school, my friends and I grew accustomed to the notion of recycling partners. Our school was incredibly small, and the population of eligible bachelors even smaller, making the possibility of never striking up relations with a friend’s former beau entirely impossible.
However, high school dating is one thing because, although many couples (in which I must embarrassingly include myself) swear everlasting devotion and dream of fantastic family holidays with their two children Jill and John, it is unlikely that this dream will ever materialise. Sooner or later, GCSEs will distract one from such forward planning, and the newest addition to the rugby team becomes a far more interesting prospect!
At university however, things are somewhat different: these dreams could very well become a reality, and the depth of our emotional involvement with a partner far exceeds anything we felt as young adolescents. Although York is considerably larger than my high school, in a scale of relativity, it can still be considered of fish bowl style proportions.
Everyone knows everyone and, sooner or later, this is bound to cause complications. In a situation where mini-feed documents our every move, and any night time activities will be both seen and reported, we must accept that nothing remains a secret. As such, an ‘affair’ with a friend’s ex is out of the question, forcing any such activity firmly out into the open. As such it is important to decide when it is acceptable to announce to a friend that their old partner is, in fact, being reused!
In my opinion, the technicalities of ‘dumper’ and ‘dumpee’ take an important role within such a situation. Should one’s friend have been heartlessly dumped and then left to cry into a pillow for six months while allowing his/her degree to slowly evaporate, then I would say that this particular ex was best left well alone.
In the case of your friend discarding their partner as a result of having decided to replace him/her by a manager/lecturer twice their own age, then the waters become somewhat murkier…
Sometimes, your friend realises they made a mistake, and yearns for their ex to take them back. If the ex has an ounce of sense or self-respect, they will decline this kind offer, and begin looking for someone else who might be ever so slightly more careful with their heart. However, does this mean that you could perhaps be that person? Or does the fact that your friend still has feelings for this character require that you keep your distance?
If your friend breaks up with someone, out of choice, and finds themselves a new partner, then the chances are that you can go ahead with lusting after the ex.
The problem arises when both yourself, and your friend, have feelings for someone. Does their prior involvement provide them with a better claim, or did they forfeit that right when they decided to jeopardise their relationship initially?
I really don’t know the answer, and I wish I did. I would have been able to offer much more sound advice to my friends had this been the case. I am however, fascinated by the ethical dilemma with which my little sleepover provided me. I think it’s important to remember, however, that whilst we try and do the best for our friends, we must also remember that ‘the ex’ is, in fact, not an object to be toyed with at our disposal.
They are a living, breathing, human being who is fully capable of deciding who, or what, they wish to spend their time pursuing.
As such, it would seem then that our duty, as friends, is not to decide who or what we can invite into our lives. Instead, we must resist the urge to view an ‘ex’ as property, and decide in what direction we should move in order to cause the least amount of friction. Life is complicated enough without making other people’s decisions for them.
…On second thoughts, it would seem quite a lot has changed in ten years!
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