Drunk Dialling

Should you really press that send button?

In the majority of cases this person is an ex, of sorts. An ex boyfriend perhaps, maybe an ex fling, or even just an ex housemate or work colleague. In my experience, this is the person whose number I have long since deleted from my phone, but have written down in the back of a diary or address book. This prevents me from drunkenly getting in touch with them whilst I am out on the town, but unfortunately does not mean that upon arriving home I will make the sensible decision of calling it a night and going to sleep, alone. Instead, as I stumble around my room falling into every item of furniture I own, I often find myself re-entering their number into my phone, and consequently sending a message that I inevitably will regret.

I am sorry to say that this is not a rare occurrence for me. In fact, it seems that at any given point in my life I am in one of two places, ‘guy wise’. I am either seeing someone, at which stage under the influence of alcohol I will be sending flirtatious messages in reference to what I would like to be doing with said person. Or I am single, in which case under the influence of alcohol I hand over my phone to a friend, or delete said persons number, in order to prevent myself sending flirtatious messages in reference to what I would like to be doing with said person. When looked at this way, my life seems fairly simple, if not a little pathetic.

However, resisting the urge to spiral into a self indulgent puddle of woe, I will return to my original statement of finally giving in to the desire to contact the ex. We all do it, and we nearly all regret it. There is no way however, that this will change. We will continue to do it to ourselves, for better or for worse, but as such I feel it is important to examine the best possible way in which to go about this.

My personal favourite is the message “What are you up to?” It would seem that the sentiment of this message is universally understood, yet provides both the sender and the recipient with a get out clause, should they not wish to reply positively. The desired response is something along the lines of “Not a lot, what about you?” as this shows interest, yet allows both of you to continue hiding behind the façade of causal yet fairly indifferent conversation. Receiving no reply, or one saying “I’m watching a film with Nancy/Jane/Barbara/Insert rival female name here” is not ideal, but is still a situation from which you can recover. A breezy reply of “sounds lovely, enjoy, I’m just off out myself so I’ll see you around” will generally see you out of that situation quite successfully.

I would advise that unless you are 100% sure of your booty calling decision or your reasons for getting in touch with this person allow you to believe you are guaranteed an affirmative response, that you stay away from the more outlandish statements. Examples include “what are you wearing”, “my bed feels empty without you” and the rather succinct “I’m horny”. These particular examples do not leave much room for claiming misunderstanding or general chit chat, and as such do run the risk of leaving you feeling a little sheepish if you are refused. However, for those of you that are exceedingly confident or particularly daring and/or thick skinned, this approach will certainly save you a lot of time and phone credit.

If you are getting in touch with your ex for sentimental rather than sexual reasons, I would sincerely advise that you do not broach this topic in your first message. In fact, I would suggest that you steer clear of it throughout your textual correspondence. If you want to talk about something meaningful and emotional then for goodness sake do yourself the kindness of arranging to meet the person in order to talk face to face. I know it is tempting to compose a long and beautiful message in which you feel everything you wish to say is phrased in such a way as to inspire the equivalent feelings in your desired other, but the chances are things will not go to plan. Your desired other is likely to misinterpret the message, or if they are particularly heartless, merely chose to ignore it. This then drives you to send another message, or tear your hair out while frantically pacing around and around your bedroom. It is not conducive to your health, so pluck up the courage to arrange a meeting and for goodness sake keep it light. Texts/email/facebook etc, are not the places for heavy discussions. Take it to a park bench or crowded restaurant, at least offer the rest of us a chance for some eavesdropping entertainment! Actually in which case facebook walls would be acceptable…

I feel a little like the pot calling the kettle black as I write this article, but the fact that I speak from personal experience means that I really do not advise you here from a pious and ignorant perspective. I wish that I had abided by my own sound advice in the past, and will endeavour to do so in the future. This is our pride on the line here people, and as such it is important that we do whatever we can to protect it! So if you do give into temptation just remember that you are still ‘playing the game’. Don’t give it all away at once just because you have finally decided to stop resisting. Play hard to get for just a little longer, you have come so far, try not to throw it all away in one single text message.

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