For One Night Only

Written by Lady O

With this in mind, we ought perhaps to consider brushing up our One Night Stand etiquette. Of course, the ONS is not everyone’s cup of tea and that’s fine but for those of us who do partake, we should perhaps bear in mind certain civilised codes of practice.

Having been single for over two years, I’ve experienced a few ONSs, some good, some bad and some very ugly. My behaviour towards these men has not always been exemplary but I like to think I’ve learnt from my mistakes.

Firstly, I believe it to be particularly rude to ask for someone’s number the morning after a ONS if you have no intention of using it. You may feel obliged to ask or think that it appears to legitimise the sexual encounter but by feigning a real interest in them, you are just leading them on which is somewhat unfair. If you don’t really want the person’s number, then just don’t ask; the issue can be glossed over.

A kiss on the cheek and a simple “Goodbye” will suffice

Also try to avoid asking as a reflex reaction when you are leaving and find yourself at a loss of what to say. A kiss on the cheek and a simple “Goodbye” will suffice. If they ask for yours and you are unwilling to dispense it, little white lies are acceptable to avoid giving it.

On one occasion I declined to give my number as I had no intention of seeing him again (after declaring he “didn’t do condoms”, he spent much of the night giving me grief as, based upon this fact, I was adamant not to have sex with him. Clearly my desire to avoid STIs and pregnancy was completely incomprehensible to him). Upon my refusal to give him my number, he called me a “bitch” and “a user”!

At which point I called him a taxi and sent him packing.

This brings me neatly onto:

• Use a condom. It really isn’t worth the hassle which arises from not using one. And with a little practice, it can be put on in seconds. Note the aforementioned man; refusing to use one resulted in no sex.

• Do not sneak out whilst they are asleep, it’s just very rude, rather cowardly and you will inevitably bump into them again. Not something I’ve personally experienced but I’ve known people who have done it- shame on you.

• If you must kick someone out, assuming they haven’t done anything wrong, try and do so subtly and nicely. I admit I have on occasion been neither but I really was very tired and will no doubt suffer the karmic repercussions sooner or later.

• Do ask permission before attempting anything out of the ordinary. When trying to contort one man into a new position whilst in the throes of passion, I knelt on a delicate area which provoked a yell of pain that swiftly killed the moment and my adventurous lust. Odd positions are of course only the tip of the “out of the ordinary” iceberg. Seriously, don’t spring potentially sexually hazardous moves on anyone without getting the go-ahead first.

• If you happen to write a sex/relationship column, do ask for permission before discussing your ONS. It’s the decent thing to do, although I do find it makes men dubious about ever having a repeat performance. Unfortunately.

It is particularly bad etiquette to, upon waking hung-over and finding someone else in your bed, gasp and recoil in horror. None of us look that great in the morning, especially after a roll around the previous night. Although I choose to believe that my blotchy, eyeliner smeared face, alcohol breath and matted hair are compensated by an alluring post-coital glow that no man can resist.

Yet many seem able to...

So, go play! But play safe, play nice and don’t forget your manners.

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