As we enter a new year, Laura Reynolds looks at how the dating game differs from previous generations.
Laura Reynolds looks at the freedoms of festive singledom
Join Jason Rose for a peek behind today's door.
Lauren Tabbron writes about the difficulties of spending Christmas away from a loved one.
Given the nature of this high quality online publication I cannot use the term by which these "buddies" are usually known, so I shall refer to them as “friends with benefits”, or FWB for short.
Currently in my life there is only one FWB. As he is a friend from home, we only get to enjoy each other on the rare occasions that we both return for uni holidays. So we do satisfy each other, but unfortunately, not very often.
Much as I like this set-up, there are always potential pitfalls. For one thing there is a chance that he might start seeing someone else, and I will find myself without his sexual attentions. As little as I desire a proper relationship with him, that does not mean I want to be thrown onto the FWB scrapheap in favour of a newer model. Given that there is certainly no security in a FWB relationship, this is a very real possibility.
Inevitably, jealousy can be an issue which you will have to consider at some point, but in this instance, jealousy does not have a leg to stand on. It is therefore necessary to bear in mind that at any point your FWB may have to sever ties with you if they start a relationship.
I don't want to be thrown onto the FWB scrapheap in favour of a newer model.
Another factor which often needs careful negotiation is your general behaviour; it can be difficult to establish how to act with this person. Obviously, texting them every day and going out on dates does rather blur the boundaries of the situation. By its very nature, this type of relationship is not the one for you if you want intimacy and regular contact - stick to the boyfriend/girlfriend hunt.
My FWB and I have fallen quite comfortably into a habit of only ever having contact when the holidays, and therefore a potential tryst, are approaching. One will text the other for the dates they will be home (I confess I have already done so; spurred on by my current sexual drought), and then we text occasionally in the run up to our meeting to give each other a taste of what is to come. The meeting itself lasts an hour or two and begins with the obligatory 5-10mins of small talk. We rarely text after we’ve seen each other. Perhaps this seems rather cold, but to be honest we don’t have any interest in each other’s day to day life.
There needs to be a degree of detachment; you cannot let yourself fall for a FWB, it will only get ugly. I have never heard of a FWB relationship ever turning into a real relationship, and I don’t expect to. This might sound especially harsh, but if you’re looking for a FWB, try to choose someone you like but don’t particularly fancy. Remembering that this is essentially about sex and sex alone will save you a lot of trouble.
But don’t let my words of cynicism deter you from the notion of a FWB; they really are very useful and if you keep it going for a while you can learn how to push each other’s buttons just as you would in a relationship.
Mine has been going on for nearly 3 years, and we really do know how to satisfy each other. We don't, however, have to be faithful to each other, buy birthday/Christmas/Valentine's presents, remember anniversaries, or even maintain communication. So there are clearly plenty of benefits to this friend.
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