Case of the Ex

Heart broken, but is friendship still a possibility?

Often for many of us, this wouldn’t even be a question worth asking, the hurt being too deep to ever allow the possibility of friendship. But occasionally we break-up on good terms - or, if not that, then at least apologies have been offered and forgiveness forthcoming. After time has done its healing, a friendship can sometimes be salvaged.

At present, I find myself in such a situation. I was infatuated with him, and I believe that in the early days at least, the feeling was mutual. However, it came to an abrupt end that left me confused and angry. I suspect the reason for this is that he met somebody else, although I confess I’ve never had the guts to ask.

However, that is all in the past now and is best left there. I now find myself in a potential friendship that I had never envisaged. In principle it would be wonderful as we get on well - but in practice I have found it thus far rather trying.

It’s not that I don’t want it to work - because I do. However, my new-found status as confidante has bitten me in the arse. When he confessed that his “world had fallen apart” because things were looking shaky with the woman he is currently seeing, I felt my face burn with jealousy that such feelings had never been extended to me. On reflection, this seems terribly silly, but at the time I saw it as a slap in the face.

Yes, I still have a great deal of affection for this man, but that does not mean I’m secretly harbouring visions of a happily-ever-after future with him. I admit that this affection is still in the process of being pulled apart and re-categorised into “friendship” by my brain, which has performed this laborious overruling of the heart (and the hormones) one too many times.

It’s difficult; I think he would prefer it if I met someone new, if only to take the pressure off him as my last romance. Although I do like to think he would be a smidge jealous...

I have dabbled in a couple of dates and “encounters” since, but as of yet none has captured my imagination as he did. Yet there were others before him, and I’m confident there’ll be more to follow. But, at present, I seem to be finding no great distraction with other men.

There’s surely a reason why he wants to maintain friendship when we could so easily lose contact. Why if I’m lovely and wonderful enough to be a friend am I not qualified to be more than that any longer? Rest assured, my sizable ego has not been touched by that most destructive of thoughts: “What does she have that I don’t?”. But these are the questions that seem to hang over the situation, questions that lead me to wonder if I’m merely being kept sweet as a back-up, in case his current romance fails.

This is probably a very unfair thought, but what can I say? I’m a very untrusting, suspicious, defensive person. Well, if you’re as mojo-ed up as me, you can’t go around with your heart on your sleeve; it would be terribly messy and impractical.

In short, should you stay friends? If you are able to. Obviously there were things that connected you in the first place, and no doubt these still exist. Our connections are still there - he still makes me laugh, and I always enjoy talking to him.

But more importantly, can you stay friends? Again I would say yes, although I think it’s inevitable that at least one of you (unfortunately me this time) finds the initial adjustment difficult.

Personally I intend to ride it out; I think it will be worth it.

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