Love is full of surprises!

Life is full of surprises. Good ones, bad ones, those less categorical… The best surprises though are those that are well-deserved, goal-affirming and generally leave you feeling that little bit better about where your life is heading.

I rushed to renew my railcard and book last minute trains to the capital for an Open Day. Being so focused upon the reason for this last-minute trip, I barely gave myself a chance to consider what else going home for a couple of nights meant: that I could see my boyfriend sooner than I had expected. Having said this, almost 3 years ago I probably would have laughed had you suggested I might be in a long-term relationship, let alone a long-distance one.

Ok, so let’s back-track a little. This is how I interpret my former single self: free, adventurous, always at gigs and parties and unashamed of my ‘non-marital status’. This said, I do not feel tied-down or unadventurous now. I have recently come to the conclusion that it is other people’s interpretation of my behaviour that concerned me as a Fresher, causing me to second-guess the effects of my interaction with others... I started my first year at uni with a boyfriend who was studying in Brighton when our relationship was only 6 months old (a personal best, having already lasted longer than a month or two). The concept of a long distance relationship was all fairly new to me and the least likely situation I imagined myself in at university. So it’s no surprise that I found the next few months - due to not having quite thought it all through - hard to manage.

Thrust into an environment driven by an assumed culture of drinking and sexual relationships, I put immense pressure on myself to behave appropriately. I would normally be comfortable in these situations, always enjoying a bit of banter with friends and meeting new people, unafraid of the odd, almost-inappropriate comment among friends. My main issue here though, was that I had little experience of being ‘myself’, outside the realm of single life.

That is, in order to sustain my relationship, I felt I would have to abandon the old regimes I knew and had previously used so well: my typical way of dealing with situations, being more commonly known as ways of avoiding dealing with situations. The activities I would no longer partake in (in a bid to keep control of my silly not-so-single self) included heavy drinking and other such potentially destructive means to… well, the end of the night. Often I think young people, in searching for what they think they need to feel secure, find themselves lost and looking for all the wrong things in all the wrong places (and at all the wrong parties). Basically, I wanted my wits about me (or at least within a half mile radius); so that even if a drunken party-goer accidently fell towards my lips I would see them in time to dodge out of the way. This was the hope. But then, accidents do happen - and I think it is more important how a couple manages to deal with these accidents. Who didn’t see the original graffiti painted in ‘Rape Alley’?

Perhaps I was overly cautious during Fresher’s week: I was just as lively and loud in first year according to my housemate (with whom I now share a calm, content third year at York). If only I had stopped to let myself see it. The problem was that I beat myself up about how I was coming across - scared to be perceived as disloyal or insensitive to the people around me or involved in the relationship. This brings me on to the main reason for which I am writing about my experience of a long-term, long-distance relationship at university.

I wish to impart hope and confidence in people regarding whatever relationship they may or may not find themselves in. Obviously it is difficult writing on these lifestyle issues since everyone’s experiences are different and sharing opinions is a sensitive business. However, this is of course written from my perspective and point of view. There were lots of people who thought my relationship wouldn’t survive based on them having known my single self or their own experiences of the way their once solid now not-so-existent serious relationships failed at university.

Although I used to dread and was trying to get used to the idea of being alone, I have realised that day-to-day university life can get so busy that I am thankful, at least while my ‘other half’ is away, that I can continue to live life to the full. So really, I’m never alone, but either with my friends, or spending time, when he visits, just with him - but never really losing out. It is sometimes hard when you see your other friends with their loved ones on nights out, especially if you’re having a bad day, but your close friends will most likely know a good pick-me-up if you let them in, or a few minutes alone to compose yourself might help.

From starting off as someone who shortly after my 18th birthday had given up on the idealistic idea of finding the perfect partner and accepted a future as ‘that bag lady - the one with all the cats’, I have come a long way. I met a talented young musician playing a gig in Camden Town’s Barfly and having assumed he’d be ‘taken’, was pleased to finally have ID that would enable me to stay at the event and consequently to chat. It always seems to be the way that when you least expect them to happen, the things you least expect to happen occur - and if you give yourself, and them, the chance, you can learn a lot from the experience. This may sound like some sort of fairytale and in a way it is, but it really is hard to maintain a long-distance relationship: usually there are a lot of houses and fields in the way that don’t seem to want to budge.

You can overcome all obstacles though if you try, trust, and hope for the future. If money is tight it’s sometimes necessary to pass on a night out (or two) and invest in a USB phone and install Skype for free calls (unless you own a multi-tasking Mac laptop). This is all dependent on you discovering where your priorities lie - I am sure that sometimes it is just bad luck that people grow apart over long-distances, and feelings can just dwindle despite you doing all the right things.

I am surprised that I came to university with a boyfriend - and so apparently was everyone else: it wasn’t exactly my speciality - holding down, or even wanting to hold down a relationship. I never imagined I would have a long-term relationship, let alone be able to manage a long distance one. The point is that I made my decision and it’s paid off. Even if our feelings changed and we decided that it wasn’t worth it, I knew that I’d rather have tried “to have loved and lost” than never to have tried to continue to love at all (or at least keep ‘going out together’).

No one can tell you what to feel or how to deal with awkward situations. Sometimes it is hard to put something you feel is wrong into words at all. Who is to tell you that you are living a lie, confused sexually, delusional in believing that something as strenuous as a trans-Atlantic relationship can last? I have heard of occasional successes such as these, yet what can be just as surprising is the revelation that you too - perhaps learned in the art of ‘pulling’ or holding down your body weight in alcohol - can surprise yourself by achieving what you never before thought possible. So refrain from attempting to label yourself just yet. You may fail or you may succeed, but what you will gain is an education: and you may just surprise yourself along the way, too!

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