Selfish and proud

Sometimes we can be too nice

I was sat with a friend the other day, reading all of my old blogs. Being a new friend, he’s only known me since the start of term and he was laughing. He couldn’t believe that I was the same person as the girl who wrote those blogs, and it got me thinking, maybe I’m not the same girl. I’ve grown up a lot since I started blogging; my priorities have changed. I’ve matured, I’ve developed – but hand in hand with this, I’ve stopped having fun. I’ve taken on such a caring role recently that I find myself unable to do anything without thinking of how my actions may or may not affect even the least connected person.

And it sucks.

I don’t want to be mature, or caring, or loving. I want to be the girl I was when this whole thing started out. The girl who lived in the moment, who made sure she had fun in everything she did. I know that I wasn’t the nicest girl at times, I’d even go as far to say I was a complete bitch some of the time – but I liked who I was and I didn’t want to change.

I had such a thirst for life back then. I would live every day as if it was the last day. I’d live for myself, not caring too much about how my actions affected others.

Selfish?

Yes, I was and I’m not ashamed of my behaviour, or in any way appalled. Some people didn’t like who I was, but what does that matter when I was having more fun living for myself? I surrounded myself with controversy and I loved it. I would play with people, see how much I could make people do, see how much power I had over people – and it was so much fun, pushing the limits of human boundaries was so enjoyable.

When I told my best friend how I felt her reply was: ‘Yes!!!!’ I think she’s missed the controversial me. I’ve missed it too. I miss sitting with her at the end of the day or week, and laughing about all I got up to. I miss having something to talk about rather than just moaning about work, or moaning about the current amount of pain my gym buddy has gotten me into. I miss chasing boys, I miss walking into a new seminar group and picking out my target for the term. I miss flirting with all the rugby guys in Ziggy’s.

Yes, I got into a lot of trouble, sometimes my actions were inappropriate and a lot of people started to dislike me, but what does it really matter? I have one and a bit years left of being selfish, having fun and living life to the full before responsibilities set in – and I want to make the most of it.

If we can’t do what we like every once in a while without feeling guilty, then where’s the fun in life?

Add Comment

You must log in to submit a comment.