Brazil and Chile join former rulers Spain and Portugal in the last 16, but who will ‘rule’ the world come 11th July?

So, day 15 of the World Cup has raised a question: What’s the similarity between North Korea and a pair of socks? They’re both very familiar with defeat. (Read aloud if you’re not already laughing raucously). We now know that England will face Germany, and then most likely Argentina. What we also know, as of today, is that Brazil will play Chile and Portugal will play Spain in the knockouts.

First up was Group G, featuring Brazil v Portugal and Ivory Coast v Korea DPR (out of pure fear, I’ve checked the correct name). I made a careful decision to watch Brazil/Portugal, which, like Ryan Adams, was proof that big reputations and big names don’t necessarily mean quality. Carlos Quieroz knew a draw was all Portugal needed, and so lined his team up with two banks of five and four respectively, who sat in front of the penalty area effectively. That left Mr. Greasy Winkerbottom up top on his own, and so the match was frustrating from an attacking perspective. Both sides qualified as the game finished 0-0.

The best part, however, was listening to Mick McCarthy confidently assess the severity of every single tackle, like some sort of football demigod determined to smite any player who dared to dive. I swear the Wolves manager was wrestled away from his microphone on a few occasions, lest he try to shout “Get up, you big bloody girl’s bra!” in his broad Barnsley rage.

I didn’t see the other game in the group, which Ivory Coast won 3-0. Sven’s men were left ruing the opening game draw with Portugal, which eventually cost them their knockout round place. His negative tactics were to blame there: give me Fabio’s curiously crumpled face any day. Korea DPR conceded 12 goals, scored one and lost all three games at the 2010 World Cup. Should I be saying something about my grandma, with her slippers on, faring differently? To be fair, this was the ‘group of death’, so they can’t be blamed for collapsing under the weight of talent from the capitalist dogs they played against.

Somewhat more entertaining was the evening game between Spain and Chile. I’ve fallen madly in love with Chile, whose refreshing brand of attacking football is a real joy in a modern age of tactics where most managers try to emulate the boredom Jose Mourinho is able to conjure up. They lost 2-1, thanks to a piece of goalkeeping senility. David Villa stroked the ball into an empty net after Chile ‘keeper Bravo' had Bravo-ly charged halfway up the pitch to slide tackle Fernando Torres. Iniesta doubled Spain’s lead before Rodrigo Millar’s deflected consolation goal. The other game finished 0-0, Switzerland and Honduras fought out a........I can’t even be bothered. Nothing happened and I’m so glad the Swiss are out. Hundreds of years of peace and democracy have only produced cuckoo clocks, cheese, and interminably irritating tactics.

At last, the group stage purge is over and the real nitty-gritty can begin........

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