Bluffer's Guide to the Internet - part 1

Serious business

A – Anonymous Anonymous is an odd, antagonistic individual who uses the power of the Internet to harass, annoy or generally upset people. They have no name, gender, and are all-powerful. If you succeed in getting rid of one anonymous, there will always be another to take its place. Approach with caution.

B – /b/ The-website-that-must-not-be-named. The cesspit of the Internet. A place where 12-year old boys and borderline psychotics gather to discuss politics and fine art.

C – Chatroulette Quite possibly the website that sums up the Internet most succinctly. Like the most depraved game show you will ever play. Spin the wheel of chat roulette! Who will it be? A naked old man? A girl wearing a Spiderman costume? A dog? WIN WIN WIN!

D – Dramatic Chipmunk Adequately summed up as ‘The best 5 second clip on the Internet.’ He is a chipmunk and he is dramatic. Enough said.

E – eBay A website for people to sell all the second-hand junk that they don’t want for an extortionate price. Like a car boot sale but with buyers fighting to the death for the item. Highlights include a ghost in a bottle, Paris Hilton’s used dog-food tins and a lesbian’s virginity.

F – Facebook A social networking website for those too middle-class to use Bebo and not cool enough for Myspace. Here you can create a network of ‘friends,’ including people you used to know when you were five years old and have nothing in common with now, and obsessively stalk their every movement. Hailed as the future of friendship.

G – Google The overlord of the Internet. So powerful it has spawned its own verb, to ‘google.’ Some say that Google will rule the world in 20 years. Some say that it already is. Provides endless entertainment if you look at the most popular searches, yet does make you lose hope for the human race.

H – Harry Potter Fanfiction Fanfiction.net is a place for the fan girls and fan boys to write wish-fulfilment stories, loosely connected to Harry Potter. No character pairings are taboo here, in fact, why don’t you add your own Harry/Filch foot fetish or Fleur/Gabrielle soft porn?

I – Internets The Internets is the term one uses if one is a complete idiot. Coined by George Bush, it is now used to mock and patronise those who have trouble with the ‘Interwebs.’ Used in a sentence – ‘I’m just going to go on the Internets for a bit dear!’

J – Jailbait Jailbait is a term used to describe the legions of underage teenagers who have a penchant for naked webcam or posting provocative photos on their Bebos. Known as jailbait, they are best to be avoided unless you fancy a spell in jail.

K – Kitten surprise (how to break up a cat fight) Looks like two cute kittens fighting doesn’t it? Keep watching. Something glorious happens.

L – Lolcats Icanhascheezburger.com Combining the Internet’s love for cats and speaking like an idiot, lolcats have become an Internet sensation, spawning t-shirts, mugs, catchphrases and other paraphernalia. Famous lolcats include Ceiling Cat and Long Cat. Lol i can has teh funnies?

M – (De)Motivational posters An inspired take on the cheesy motivational posters, demotivational posters take a picture and add a caption. Simple yet effective and often side-splittingly funny.

The Internet can be a strange and confusing place. Hopefully with this guide, it need frighten no more.

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