10 things I learnt whilst dating a vampire

Vampires are in vogue. To be fair they never really leave ‘vogue’: the undead population is always bubbling away under the surface, Twilight just bought it a load of tweenage doe-eyed PG-13 fans. Give them a Buffy boxset any day, or a copy of Anne Rice, hell even the saga of Anita Blake’s supernatural love affairs (term used very, very loosely), and let them grow up. Series four of True Blood is being filmed now, focusing around Eric the amnesiac: a nice break, I think all will find, from the brooding Bill; plus, Alexander Skarsgaard is – if you pardon the pun – rather tasty.

If you’ve ever had sneaking suspicions, here are the warning signs that should set your alarm bells ringing. Get out those crosses and holy water, and hope for the Slayer to visit town. It’s all jokes, to be fair.

1. When he doesn’t text you back, it’s not because he’s ‘just not that into you’/out of credit/has misplaced his phone – it’s because it’s during the day, and he’s asleep in his crypt of a bedroom.

2. When he says he ‘works all night’ and ‘doesn’t finish till 4am’, this actually means he’s stalking the streets for victims. At 4am, club-kicking-out-time, it’s easiest to pick out a suitable victim. And the alcohol in the blood gives a fabulous taste.

3. He is constantly tired, not because he’s been staying up all night doing work or because the very thought of you is tormenting his very soul, but rather because he’s not had a decent feed in a while.

4. Late night trips to the library are not for getting key texts out overnight, but rather for trailing the studious types behind the bookshelves. The North Room is a perfect scene for many a crime. Intelligence is absorbable for vampires, you know.

5. When he says he doesn’t eat properly, it’s not because he can’t afford it/would rather buy alcohol, but rather he means he’s not found a tasty enough candidate. Though I’d be wary if I were you… when they stare hungrily at your throat, it’s probably not because they like your necklace.

6. As Bill found out in Season 2 of True Blood, the ‘one who made him’ always comes back, after some interceding period of soul-searching/soul-finding (may the real Angel please stand up), or else has not mended their ways and has come back to get their precious baby.

7. His fashion statements are not statements at all. They are random choices, and probably stolen off his last victim. Black is preferred: blood doesn’t show up as well.

8. And if his incisors are particularly pointy, I’d watch out. Long fingernails too can be suspect. Also, if sometimes he gets a particularly prominent brow bone in certain situations, asking “is that a horn on your head or are you just happy to see me?” is not often the way to escape scot-free.

9. If he sparkles in sunlight… he’s probably not a vampire. That’s just weird. I think he probably deserves chucking, if that’s the case.

10. He likes his steaks bloody, hold the garlic: case, end, point.

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