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Firstly, sort your own appearance. House mess can be blamed on housemates, but you can only blame yourself for your own sorry state. Clean your teeth, or failing that chew a softmint or 10 to get rid of the stench of jaegerbombs. Deodorant is a necessity. Check your arms, face and other easily accessible body parts for obscenities scrawled in permanent marker by your delightful friends. If in doubt, go for long sleeves and trousers. If it’s on your face, you’re a lost cause, so admit defeat now and tell your folks that you’ve moved to Dubai.
Obviously overnight guests have to go, preferably out the back door, unless they can be passed off as housemates’ other halves. The morning after the night before is never a good way to meet anyone’s parents for the first time, but particularly if you only met the person in question 12 hours ago yourself.
Next the house must be made presentable. This is where the gap under your bed or the cubby hole under the stairs comes in useful. Last night’s empties are best disposed of in black sacks. The ironing board can stay. It is best placed strategically to look as if it has been used recently. Parents like to see these things put to good use. Replace the magazines of a questionable nature with textbooks and revision notes, strewn tidily yet functionally across the table.
If there is no time to deal with the state of the house, don’t be afraid to blame the housemates. Subtle yet audible tuts and mutterings about the untidiness of the slobs you live with should do it. Don’t lay it on too thick; your parents lived with you once so they are aware of your less-than-delightful habits. If housemates overhear you downtalking them, reassure them later that you will happily take the blame when they’re in a similar situation.
Obviously all of the above must be completed instantaneously, as your family gather on your doorstep, waiting for you to open the front door and welcome them into a sparkling clean and beautifully fragrant house. If you’re not looking too fresh eyed and bushy tailed, claim illness. All that late night ‘studying’ must finally be taking a toll. Consider yourself lucky if they gave you the warning phone call when they were more than 10 minutes away. And if this has never happened to you, don’t laugh at housemates when it happens to them. Karma will bite you back.
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