X Factor blog: 'No Matter What'... they're going to be stars

Dear John and Edward,

Commiserations for getting voted out of The X Factor after weeks of media stake-burning and public death threats. We’ll remember you for your slightly incestuous take on Britney’s ‘Oops...’, your 90s-style rapping and out-of-sync dancing. Also, credit to you for actually singing in the sing-off, regardless of how dreadful you sounded.

But none of that matters now, because judging from your content faces on results night, both you and probably most of us know this won’t be the last we see of you. [Heck, I’d put my money on you being the most successful of all the finalists of this year’s competition (oh, snap!)]

In conclusion, we wish you the best for the future – whether that be a handful of novelty records or as the new faces of Nickelodeon.

Yours truly, The Voting Public

Anyway, now that we’re approaching the finish line, what better way of weighing up the contenders than through the format of everyone’s favourite playground game, Top Trumps?

Name: Stacey Solomon

• Last Performance: 6 – ‘I Can’t Make You Love Me’ was good for glory notes, but Stacey stumbled more than a newborn calf.
• Voice: 7 – am tiring of the ballads.
• Moves: 3 – Not everyone needs to be a dancer, but you need to look like you're at least having fun.
• Likeability: 10 – the Essex girl’s biggest asset.
• Marketability: 3 – Reality check: she doesn’t really possess a voice unique to the music market or suitable for recording. Not having her in the finale though would be a real shame.

Name: Olly Murs

• Last Performance: 3 – ‘Fast Love’ was Olly at his worst, unsurprisingly sending him to Bottom 2 Land. Was off-key for more than half the song, and though determined to sound current, came off as a mid-90s reject.
• Voice: 6 – Saturday night proved he’s still on a vocal learning curve.
• Moves: 9 – his trademark.
• Likeability: 8 – loses points for over-enthusiasm whenever declared safe at results (“Yes! Come on!!!”)
• Marketability: 5 – not sure yet what kind of artist he could be.

Name: Lloyd Daniels

• Last Performance: 5 – ‘Faith’ was more vocally consistent than other stuff, but nevertheless fairly underwhelming.
• Voice: 4 – too goat-like with a lot of weak spots.
• Moves: 3 – Awkward.
• Likeability: 7 – nice boy, even if he’s as dull as a block of wood.
• Marketability: 4 – in the short-run. In the long-run? Catch him at York Freshers’ Ball, 2010.

Name: Danyl Johnson

• Last Performance: 8 – Maybe I just had low expectations. But the fantastic arrangement (sans cheesy porno-like saxophone) worked wonders with Danyl’s dialled back voice, and the lack of dancers/acrobats/blow-up dolls on stage was really refreshing.
• Voice: 7 – capability’s there, just needs to avoid the nasal range and shoutiness.
• Moves: 6 – knows how to work a crowd. Too well.
• Likeability: 3 – following the heavy presence of his ‘diva attitude’ in the press this week surrounding song choice, needs to work overtime to get the public on his side.
• Marketability: 8 – original, ready-for-recording-studio voice. May pull a Leona with Simon’s backing and start success Stateside.

Name: Joe McElderry

• Last Performance: 8 – ‘Don’t Let the Sun...’ was vocally his best, but the number of times this song has been done on reality shows is now in double figures. Seriously. Wikipedia it.
• Voice: 9 – technically, probably the most proficient. But about as versatile (and interesting) as a toothbrush.
• Moves: 3 – since ‘Sway’, I think dancing’s a dirty word for him.
• Likeability: 8 – too many facebook statuses say “I <3 Joe”.
• Marketability: 2 – he’s not. If he wins, he’ll probably be forced to release an album of covers, before following his true calling of being a West End star.

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