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Hello and welcome to what I’m gonna push myself to be your weekly instalment of what not to watch on the TV or ‘idiot box’. Now that the title has been awkwardly pushed in like a bad Bond movie, let's kick off.
This week I surrendered my dignity and turned onto ITV and was immediately punished through bright lights and noise that was like a gaggle of small children on a sugar high, entitled The Whole 19 Yards. It sounds like one of those shows where they came up with the title first and only then made a show of it, or maybe that’s just wishful thinking.
The Whole 19 Yards looks to throw itself into the already much diluted world of the quiz show; overcompensating with a set that will burn out your retinas, it then presents you with, God help us, Vernon Kay. Naturally his teeth reflect the light straight back at you so you feel like you’re on a drug trip, except I hear they are occasionally fun.
Anyhow, perhaps my initial pessimism would be wrong. We are presented with the premise: four contestants battle it out for £100,000 and all they have to do is answer questions by pressing the buzzer - however it's 19 yards away at the end of an obstacle course. Before they run the course we get to see the amazingly useless stats of the blobs like a cheap street fighter game, except with finishing moves replaced with ‘likes bread’ etc.
Yes, they’ve gone for the You’ve Been Framed audience, who just don’t tire of an old lady falling over to expose her bloomers. It reminds me of BBC's Total Wipeout without the water or the amusing genital grabbing silver suits. The contestants run these "bonkers" (yes, they use that word) courses over and over until one is eliminated through a combination of sheer stupidity and lack of physical prowess.
Thankfully it’s not all Kay tittering and screaming "let's play The Whole 19 Yards" to remind himself where he is; they’ve got a commentator to speak over the course and, needless to say, he’s a buffoon. He sounds as if he’s been given a list of puns to force into his observations.
Eventually they are whittled down to just our finalist, who faces a track with Vernon Kay on a platform with a buzzer that moves away with each second they falter. God knows why anyone would want to chase after Vernon when he’s disappearing into the distance like he’s about to fall down a waterfall (I can dream).
Sadly the girl went away with some money to the muted disapproval of an audience that must have craved the sight of a fellow human being failing.
Well that’s that for now. Steer clear.
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