The Apprentice blog: Episode Eleven

“Oh, I’m so sorry, it wasn’t supposed to be stone cold”

This week’s Apprentice had the dubious honour of being one of the most interesting of the series so far, but also one of the most predictable.

As soon as it emerged that Team Logic would consist solely of Tom and Helen, they were my odds on favourites to win; partly because of Helen’s impeccable record in the contest, but also because a final boardroom battle between the affable pair would be implausibly dull. The main reason, however, was that Natasha had to go. Other than bad posture and her ability to impersonate a 1980s car-dealer, she had little to offer. Or certainly nothing that Lord Sugar wanted. I suspected this episode would provide a short walk to the gallows for Natasha.

And I was right. Even so, Natasha signed her death warrant even earlier than I dared to predict. This week Lord Sugar wanted his underlings to brand, develop and open their own fast food restaurant. ‘I’ve got a degree in International Hospitality Management’, Natasha declared to her colleagues. But she didn’t want to lead the task. Or be in the kitchen. Or do anything of particular note. Not exactly the kind of fight that Sugar looks for. So Jim stepped up and led Team Venture.

Helen and Tom’s march to victory went pretty seamlessly. They quickly settled on a British theme, focusing on pies in particular. Tom was like a kid in a toy shop coming up with the branding for ‘MyPy’ (he was actually a grown man in a children’s boutique, so not far off), while Helen came up with the restaurant’s menu and ran the kitchen with her usual military precision.

Sure their slogan ‘Say Hi to British Pie’ was a bit naff (people greeting their food is a cry for help, not the mark of a delicious meal, whatever its provenance), but Lord Sugar and his industry experts liked their in-depth business plan and their clear and contemporary branding. So much so in fact, they ignored their terrible knowledge of history. “Christopher Columbus... was British?” Nick asked, licking his lips, savouring the delicious taste of schadenfreude.

Whilst Tom and Helen did well, Jim and his team didn’t exactly give them a run for their money. The branding of their Mexican restaurant was rather weak: Susan insisted on using a sombrero in the logo (showcasing the kind of lazy stereotyping that could land her a job on Top Gear) and Jim came up with the name ‘Caracas’ – the capital of Venezuela. Their restaurant was every bit as weak as their brand: Service was painfully slow and the food was often cold, and Susan’s overly sincere apologies could do nothing to change this. At least they gave the audience the chance to hear Lord Sugar order fajitas (or ‘farr – heat – errs’) in true Brits abroad style.

In the boardroom, Tom and Helen were revealed to have won comfortably. And so Lord Sugar began breaking down Team Venture’s failure. Why hadn’t they been able to come up with the perfect business model in two days? Natasha and Susan were both happy to blame Jim, pointing out his ‘dark side’ – he’s less Jedi Jim, more Sith Lord. The Irishman was on the ropes again.

But then Lord Sugar began to give Natasha the third degree. He couldn’t fathom why she hadn’t played a larger role in the task, when she had a qualification (a BA Hons, no less) in the area. “That was a long time ago,” Natasha suggested, offering a ringing endorsement for Higher Education. After reiterating his bemusement at least three more times (Natasha’s degree had top billing this week), Lord Sugar finally fired her.

So we have our final four, ready to be grilled in the two hour Final on Sunday. Whether the interviews will provide a truly satisfying final remains to be seen. But who cares? Margaret’s back again!

See The Apprentice Final Sunday 9pm BBC1.

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