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Hi, I’m a shouty man!* And I’m here to tell you about The Yorker’s Top Ten Horrible Histories songs!
What’s that? You’ve never watched Horrible Histories? You’ve never seen one of the greatest sketch shows currently on television, inspired by Terry Deary’s excellent books, and created by an immensely talented team of comedy actors and writers? Then don’t worry: each episode comes with a song absolutely free, and with Series 3 now finished, we’ve selected our all-time favourites below! Simply scroll down and read about them with your own eyes!
That’s: The Yorker’s Top Ten Horrible Histories songs… out now!**
* Not in any way true
** Available to read on this website only. Eyes not included.
“I’m part Scottish, French, Italian, a little bit Dane, but one hundred per cent party animal – champagne?”
Restoration rap is all the rage at the moment, and no party is complete without Charles II and his “nutty hairdo.” Featuring perfect pastiches of Eminem and Dizzee Rascal, the 17th Century monarch tells all about his luxurious lifestyle, with the help of his court crew. If you know all the words to this, you are well cool, yeah?
"We're going to paint the whole town red... LITERALLY."
A song that celebrates and positively relishes the overstatement of the rock power ballad, placing it up against the very real excesses of the conquering Vikings. From the overly sincere opening and the wigs to the Queen homage, the guitar solo and the delightfully over-the-top lyrics, everything about this song works.
“I don’t care-oh, I just wear-oh beard disguise!”
Shamefully, our only fully female entry, but a cracker all the same. It was only a matter of time before HH made a more-than-obvious reference to the current Queen of Pop, as Cleo (Martha Howe-Douglas) sings about her love of power and Roman emperors. A good decision by the costume department to forgo the meat dress though: I can’t see that ending well in a hot Egyptian desert.
"The famous Roman Empire was the biggest, meanest neighbourhood."
In the style of Michael Jackson, Caligula, Elagabalus, Commodus and Nero fight it out to decide which of them was the most evil Roman emperor. One of my favourite things about it is the rather valiant attempts to find rhymes for all the emperor names, even Elagabalus. The other is just how brilliant the four actors are as the differently evil rulers, especially Simon Farnaby's creepy Caligula. Just don't even whisper "goat".
“I smack ‘em if they’re naughty and I thwack ‘em if they’re good!”
This magnificently camp modern pop-culture reference entertains kids and adults alike. The dance moves. The togas. The cheeky winks at the camera. Yes, I think this song truly conveys the brutal and miserable lives of Spartan children. Can someone send Zac Efron there on an exchange programme, please?
"I drink from their skull! Do the Pachacuti!"
The rather unpleasant way an Incan lord deals with his enemies is given the full 1960s treatment, right down to the sort-of glamorous female backing singers and the psychedelic colour scheme. It's infuriatingly catchy - you'll find yourself gleefully singing about some truly hideous treatments two days after you've listened to it.
“I broke records with my sixty year reign… and I broke the scales with my giant frame…”
Starring four Georgian kings who sing about their respective reigns, and how their subjects rather hate them. And yet, The Four Georges and their powerful pop ballad could give Take That a run for their money any day - especially Jim Howick’s George IV, who steals the song as “the fat one.” Let’s hope he doesn’t decide to go solo…
"Roundheads, sound heads, keep-the-music-down heads... Cavaliers, three cheers, wackier headgears"
The two sides of the English Civil War fight each other once again, but this time through song. The ensuing West Side Story-style battle has everything you could ever want: big hats; boring hats; some rather nifty dancing; a few silly rhymes for "roundheads"; and even two lines of people in stupid outfits clicking their fingers in time to music. Heavenly.
“Don’t cross us Aztecs, we advise ya, or you’ll end up as fertilizer, yeeeeaaah!”
Don’t deny it, you’ve always wondered what the Bee Gees would sound like if they were Aztec High Priests, right? Nothing much changes, but the false teeth and squeaky voices make this one of the funniest videos by far. This disco floor filler is a catchy number, although sadly hasn’t made it onto Flares’ Saturday night playlist. Yet.
"I was no Prince Charming, nothing dandy about me."
This take on Adam and the Ants' 'Stand and Deliver' tells the truth behind the usually romanticised tale of highwayman Dick Turpin. The choice of basis for the spoof is nothing short of inspired, and Mat Baynton's take on the 1980s Romantic hero is absolutely spot-on, right down to the guyliner and the swagger.
Like these? Hear these songs and more being performed at the BBC Proms on Radio 3, Saturday 11am.
Horrible Histories with Stephen Fry finishes on BBC1, Sunday 5.30pm
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