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With the latest series of Dragons’ Den nearing its conclusion, The Yorker brings you exclusive access to one of the series’ deleted pitches.
EVAN (eyes rolling, avoiding looking at camera) Hello and welcome to the Dragons’ Den, the show where 5 investors, including our brand spanking, unrelentingly new Dragon, Hilary DeVill… sorry, Devey, struggle to give away their cash. Next up is the formerly Gallifrey based…hmmm, must be in Ireland, The Doctor, who’s asking for £50,000 to mass market an innovative gadget adapted from the most basic of all tools… a screwdriver.
(Cut to the Den, The Doctor walking up the stairs, the Dragons looking uniformly sinister, Deborah doing that thing with her hands.)
DOCTOR Hello, I’m the Doctor and I’m here to ask you for £50,000 for a 10% stake in my company, Screwdriver Conversions, which upgrades everyday screwdrivers into cool Sonic screwdrivers, which can do just about anything: open doors, scan the surrounding area, and they’re especially useful for getting out of cliffhangers. Any questions?
EVAN (narrating) Just to recap, the Doctor is asking…
THEO Evan, you’re wasting time.
EVAN (narrating) But we have to fill an hour!
THEO Well, we’ll just have to spend longer ridiculing him then. Hello Doctor, I’m Theo, as if you didn’t know. So tell me about your background.
DOCTOR Well I’m a traveller…
DEBORAH Ah! I’m in the Leisure Industry, which I think Evan forgot to mention this week. So which of my properties have you stayed in?
DOCTOR Well, none, I live in a portable blue box.
DEBORAH So, you’re like a gypsy?
DOCTOR Well… I prefer traveller.
DEBORAH You haven’t answered my question. Why is it that no one ever gives me a straight answer? I’m out.
EVAN (narrating) So Deborah Meaden’s out first… again, but what will our brand NEW Dragon make of him?
HILARY (growling) So Doctor, what meks yu think anyone would be interested in this?
DOCTOR Well, look at all the incredible things it can do…
HILARY What, like opening doors? Up North we ‘ave to open us own doors no matter ‘ow impossibly rich we are, or ‘ow big us shoulder pads are. A don’t like yu, yur a Southern Jessie who meks ma foot itch. A’m out!
EVAN (narrating) Another devastating blow for The Doctor, but will Duncan Bannatyne see something that his rivals have not? Well, obviously, yes, because of how I’ve worded that question.
DUNCAN A rilly like the idea, but what makes yu think that someone else isn’t gonna do the exact same thing with, say, hammers, or spanners? Du yu have a patent?
DOCTOR Yes, here it is. (Hands patent to Duncan.)
DUNCAN Yu told me yu had a patent; this isn’t a patent. There’s no name on it, it just says ‘The Doctor’.
DOCTOR That is my name.
DUNCAN That can’t be your real name! A mean, Doctor Who? There’s nothing here to stop 10 million Doctors claiming this was their idea. A think the whole thing’s lu-di-crus, and for that reason A’m out.
THEO Yeah, Doctor, I have to agree with Duncan. I can’t see Mrs P wanting a sonic screwdriver, and what she says goes, so I’m out.
EVAN (narrating) Another two Dragons out in quick succession, but now it’s time for Peter Jones to show his hand.
PETER Evan, how do you know these things? Can you read minds, and if so, can I market that? Anyway, Doctor, I’ve been sat here quietly, as I so often do, flashing my, frankly, rather snazzy socks, and I’ve seen some real potential here. I’m offering you the full amount, but for 30% of the business.
DOCTOR Can I think about it for a moment?
PETER What’s to think about? I’m the most powerful person in this room, except Psychic Evan of course. I’ve got connections coming out of my ears; I could really open some doors for you.
DOCTOR I’ve told you, I don’t need anyone to open doors for me, I’ve got a sonic screwdriver! So, I’m sorry Peter, but I’m out… of here. (Uses screwdriver to open trapdoor, jumps through it to meet Evan downstairs.)
EVAN Well Doctor it wasn’t to be. But will you still take me back to my home planet now? I feel I’ve served my penance, and you wouldn’t believe the burns I’ve had from working in here all day.
DOCTOR Alright Evan, let’s go. (Both walk into blue box, which then evaporates.)
DUNCAN (watching through trapdoor) That’s just lu-di-crus.
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