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Noooooo! Johnny, master of camp quick-fire quips, is gone! And after he sang so brilliantly in the sing-off! I’m beginning to wonder why we even have a sing-off anymore, as it’s always obvious who’s going to go. Sure, Kitty was impressive too, but the public clearly don’t like her, and she has a frustrating tendency to sing through her nose. Oh, and before we carry on, I’d just like to say that, for your sake as much as mine, I won’t even be mentioning the fact that Frankie got through.
Of course, Johnny’s departure, while the most upsetting of the night, was not the most shocking. Yes, that’s right, it was a double elimination. I know they didn’t make it very obvious, but at least Dermot tried: “tonight, it’s a double elimination, and we’re going to have JLS on, before we have the DOUBLE elimination, which means… um, 2 people are going, yes that right, 2 people are going, because it’s a double elimination.” Sorry Dermot, just to clarify, does that mean that more than 1 person is leaving?
Yes, indeedy. And, in the shock of the series (and not season, Gary), The Risk received the lowest public vote and were automatically sent home. So what went wrong there? A potential theory is that it’s JLS’ fault, as Tulisa sent her band to them for advice. What could they have done? Recommend an auto-tuner? Or, perhaps it was because the former Nu Vibe-r wore those ridiculous comedy glasses on Saturday? Or, maybe said Nu Vibe-r is just cursed? Or (this is my last theory, I promise), maybe it’s just that they’ve been a bit lacklustre for a couple of weeks?
Elsewhere, it was another forgettable week: Marcus was the liveliest (they never criticise him for being samey, do they?); Craig had the potential to blow us away, but failed to do so; Misha was faultless; and Janet… ooh, Janet. After the judges moaned she always sings ballads, she sang an upbeat song, to which they said: ‘you should stick to ballads’. But how could she have done that on club classics, dancefloor, club/dance filler week (whatever it was…)?
Unfortunately, this was not the only time I got annoyed this weekend. Two words: Gary. Barlow. Not only has he still not bothered to dig out his sense of humour (Gary, mate, I’ll lend you the spade), he also proceeded to unnecessarily criticise every act that wasn’t his own. To Johnny: Worst performance of anyone ever. To Janet: Vocals were off. To The Risk: Not bad, but Charlie should be the lead singer, despite the fact that we took you out of your other group because you were too dominant. To Craig: The best anyone has ever sung in the universe. To Frankie: Well, it was the wrong song choice… oh, you’re my act. It was a good performance, you tried really hard, well done!
It was also handbags at dawn for him and Louis, with Louis shouting down the desk “shut up Gary”, followed by Gary shouting “shut up Louis”, before (get this), Louis shouted back “no you shut up Gary”! I was on tenterhooks.
My final annoyance came from Tulisa. Every time it’s Little Mix’s turn, she starts going: ‘They’ve got loads of girl fans! They’re the ladies’ favourites! Women don’t think they’re going to steal their boyfriends!’ Alright, we get it! Oh, and will you stop doing that thing with your arm? We haven’t forgotten Cheryl’s salute, you know.
Well, that’s another week over with, and surely the most irritating one so far. But at least the lovely Kelly returned to bring relative calm to proceedings. Though, did anyone spot Louis’ inspired jibes: “sorry, I’ve got a cough” and “at least I’m here every week”? I think I’m going to have to stop there before I start bashing my head in with the keyboard.
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