"Our drummer Freddie shat his pants the other night" - Loulla-Mae meets the Metros

“Our drummer Freddie shat his pants the other night. He thinks he must have done it before he got home, because he took his underpants off before he got into bed, and there was shit in his pants. So he reckons he must have done it in the club.”

Meet Jak and Charlie, the charming guitarists from The Metros. As you can tell they are mature, kind, friendly boys from Peckham, who like to humiliate their drummer as soon as he’s not around. They all formed a band and got signed to 1965 Records whilst some were still doing their A Levels, though this didn’t seem a problem to them, as Charlie points out through a puff of smoke that “I gave up as soon as I heard.” Now, by your powers of deduction dear reader, you would be thinking that a) they’ve been signed relatively recently and b) are still touring the smaller venues like Fibbers or the Faversham and therefore must c) need to still be using nappies. Literally. And you would be correct. The boys from south London are between eighteen and nineteen, loud mouthed and cocky, and are still in need of some potty training.

Ok, as much as I’ve slated them already, they’re not actually that bad. But they’re pretty close. Their music is generic indie pop, their last single was called ‘Education pt. 2’ (the title giving a slight nod to ska), the lead singer makes ridiculous faces whilst on stage which seems to be something he’s admired for, and generic indie teenagers love them. Sorry, generic indie girls love them. It is a recipe for success according to the NME, but not for my interview. Jak and Charlie couldn’t give a shit, and to be honest, neither could I. They come out with stupid statements like: “We met at scouts. That’s where we formed a band. I crafted my first guitar out of a Kellog’s cornflakes box. Since then I’ve been called a musical genius and compared to Beethoven and that.” I’m sure that this normally has the girls dribbling at their feet, babbling about how they’re just ‘so funny, you know?’, but unfortunately I’m not trying to get into their pants so their unfunny humour doesn’t work on me. I know what you’re thinking, it’s probably something along the lines of “you cruel heartless bitch, give them a break, yeah?” Well, maybe I could, but I won’t. It’s far more entertaining to slate them, and after what you’re about to hear you wouldn’t give them the time of day.

I don’t know how politically minded Ian Dury was. But we’re too young for this shit yeah. I’m not into politics, I don’t really give a shit. I couldn’t be bothered to vote.
Jak Metro

Ska and punk fans close your ears, because this will hurt. The Metros have been described as ‘fun-punk’, and here’s what Jak has to say about it: “fun-punk, yeah it’s alright innit? You know what that makes don’t ya…funk! That’s where it comes from isn’t it?” Oh you clever, clever boys. But wait, there’s more. I already mentioned that the title for their last single had a tip of the hat to ska, it turns out that Baxter Dury, the son of the late, great, Ian Dury of the Blockheads fame, produced their album. If you’re not into ska, this won’t seem like a biggy, but to The Metros, it is. Though you wouldn’t know it. “Our boss Matt manages Baxter and we like Ian Dury so we did some demos with him and it sounded really good. It all worked out so we thought we’d do an album and that’s the end of that story.”

But not for me, you see I assumed that a band who had confessed to be influenced by Ian Dury and the Blockheads and The Specials might be slightly politically minded, though I was sorely disappointed: “I don’t know how politically minded Ian Dury was. But we’re too young for this shit yeah. I’m not into politics, I don’t really give a shit. I couldn’t be bothered to vote.” It might interest you to know that Ian Dury became an ambassador for UNICEF during the ‘90s before he died, and Jerry Dammers of The Specials played at the Love Music Hate Racism festival in London last week. Joe Strummer would be turning in his grave.

So the point of their music is? Well, there is none. “It’s just so people can laugh at it and enjoy it. We’re not writing love songs or anything. At least we don’t pretend, not trying to say we’ve got some fucking point to make and we don’t. None of this political shit, who cares? Who gives a shit? Not me. People in Coventry maybe but I’m never goin’ there, hope I never do, unless I go there on tour.” I think it’s the only thing they’ve said with any conviction for the past twenty minutes.

“We’re the first band ever to be completely and utterly meaningless.” Their words, not mine.

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