York to introduce student colour-coding

The uni's sticker budget may need a boost

Chancellor Greg Dyke explained: “University can be a daunting experience, especially in the first year. It can sometimes be hard to find friends with your interests or background, and this new policy will make the whole process easier and much more rewarding.”

Comparing the idea to a traffic light night at a club, the Chancellor continued: “If you see someone with a red sticker, you know they’re off limits, and a green sticker is a guaranteed orgasm. In the same way, we want to colour code individual students according to their hobbies and subjects, but also their class, sexual preference and voting tendencies.”

If these measures seem draconian, many people are keen to point out the benefits. “It’s no longer necessary to try to fathom who is who in the social hierarchy by what they wear,” said one supportive student. “People’s clothing can actually be deceptive. You see people around campus with Jack Wills on, but it doesn’t mean anything anymore. Their slogan is fabulously British, and I’ll tell you now I’ve seen Dutch people, Asian people, Welsh people wearing it. Old money or nouveau riche, it’s so hard to tell the difference. So I think the new colour coding system will help to get over some of these difficulties.”

Responding to concerns that it is cruel to differentiate students based on class, voting tendencies or where they come from, the Chancellor replied: “we do it in our applications process, so why not all the time?”

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