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After the announcement recently about changes to the Royal succession, to give girls an equal chance to inherit the throne – providing of course that they pass that small and rather insignificant hurdle of being born to the family Windsor, or Mountbatten-Windsor as Philip no doubt prefers it – here are four (yes, five is a better number I know!) ways in which our esteemed and noble betters could be brought kicking and screaming into the modern world.
Enough of this private jet nonsense
In response to environmental and economic pressures, the Royals should travel economy class. Imagine the fun they would have. Her Majesty could take the chance to catch up on her TV, The Duchess of Cambridge could partake in some in-flight shopping – even going so far as to choose the items herself and thus be universally praised for her excellent choices, which remember, she did by herself, yes on her own! Prince Philip meanwhile could cause embarrassment to all by casting suspicious looks around security trying to identify which funny looking undesirables are most likely to attempt to blow the plane up. And for those all-important mid-air clothes changes, they could all queue up outside the toilet waiting for the fat bloke to finish his fag, before all arriving tired, grumpy and with various stages of muscle disorders in their legs, like the rest of us.
Make them go to state school
Some may suggest this is a bit hypocritical since I did not attend one myself, but I’m a journalist so what really did you all expect. Just think how great this would be. Allow them to see real life, and force them to dodge the playground stabbings, thus introducing a new, trendy element into the race for the throne. And, best of all, it could get them speaking in a way that David Starkey would undoubtedly consider as improper ‘black’ language, opening up the possibility of a gangster Christmas rap to the homies of da UK man.
Give them back their old jobs of running the country
Now, at first, this may seem at odds with the modernising theme of this article, but if you actually give it some thought it makes perfect sense. They already are so much alike with politicians: they come from privileged backgrounds, used family connections to wheedle their way into Oxbridge, ala the Milibands *cough* Prince Edward *cough,* and share an inability to make their opinions known on most subjects. Instead they answer questions with things like, “it is theoretically possible that, after reviewing the evidence and after a proper period of detailed consultation with interest groups, I might end up in a position where that is a viewpoint I could support.” And let’s be honest, it would make PMQ’s so much more fun for the rest of us, seeing Charles and his mama shouting at each other across the aisle, with the camera occasionally cutting to a shot of one of those ones you didn’t really know existed, such as Prince Michael of Kent, picking their nose.
Start a Commonwealth TV talent show
All sixteen countries where the queen is head of state send representatives to compete, with the Royal family spending the year living in the country of the winner. Not only would it provide a good new way to fill up a Saturday evening, when us skint lot can’t afford to go out, but think how good Prince Charles’ face would be when it emerges that he has to live in Tuvalu for a year.
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