Dutch dodder onwards, Harry loses his coo-ell, and Camer-oot

As always, I expected Holland to devastate and humiliate their opponents in the group stages, before an argument about whether Sneijder can pull off Ugg Boots (or an equally stupid argument) or not would detonate a Dutch self-destruction in the knockout stages. After seeing the Oranje (although apparently in Holland they’re also inexplicably known as ‘The Clockwork Orange’ and ‘Orange Alert’) stumble past Denmark, that clearly wasn’t going to be the case.

A well-oiled Japanese defence kept out van Persie and co. for most of the game, until Japanese goalkeeper Eiji Kawashima pulled off a Rob Green-inspired howler to expertly guide Wesley Sneijder’s shot into the Japan goal. The game was dull; Japan played bravely in the second half, and could have equalised, but the mostly unconvincing Holland held on for a 1-0 win. Before the game, Dirk Kuyt remarked “In Holland we love sushi, so we’ll eat the Japanese up for breakfast.” Perhaps they’ll stick to Eto’oast for the final group game against Cameroon.

After Australia’s opening 0-4 disaster against the Germans, it seemed the only way they would be in South Africa for the next round would be by putting in a sneaky call to Robbie Earle. However, they did start well against Ghana, and took an early lead after the Jubulani continued its vendetta against international goalkeepers, allowing Brett Holman to gobble up a spilled free kick. The ‘Roos soon handed a goal to Ghana, though, after Harry Kewell heroically saved a John Mensah shot with his arm. Kewell was sent off, and we all enjoyed the novelty of seeing him leave the field not on a stretcher for a change. Asamoah Gyan converted the penalty to give Ghana a well-earned equaliser. The game finished 1-1, but Ghana deserved more than a point. The pick of the African teams so far, they attacked with desire and skill, and will hopefully be rewarded with a place in the next round.

One of the more puzzling conundrums in life is Paul Le Guen’s continual employment and Cameroon, even armed with Samuel Eto’o’s spirited performance, could not stop Denmark from sending them crashing out of the competition. A good, open game, littered with cringing errors, saw Cameroon’s early lead bettered by two good goals from first Nicholas Bendtner and then Dennis Rommedahl. It’s a real shame that the first casualty of the 2010 World Cup has to be an African team. Let’s hope the enthusiasm doesn’t wane and the stadiums now aren’t as empty as a Nick Clegg promise.

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