EPL Blog Week 1 - Forget the Little Pea: it’s all About the Little Carrot

Paul Scholes makes goals

It takes a particularly fascistic fixture-decider to put two newly promoted sides up against the two best teams in the league for the opening game, and the one-sided devastation that followed was as plainly obvious as Claire Balding’s sexuality. As the nerdy new kids with uniforms slightly too big on their first day at school, Newcastle United and West Bromwich Albion were serially wedgied and lost vast amounts of dinner money to Paul Scholes and Didier Drogba. Scholes showed his genius from the outset, picking apart the Newcastle defence with ease, whilst Drogba’s training with Sven Goran-Eriksson in South Africa paid off as he bagged an impressive hat-trick.

The most nattered-about story of the weekend has to be Blackpool’s astonishing 4-0 win away at Wigan. Well, journalistic license may call it astonishing, but if we’re being honest, a defence that appears to have got worse without Titus Bramble can’t be very competent at all. Wigan ironically gave Blackpool a lovely day out in the Premiership, but The Seasiders were almost as hopeless at the back. Arsenal will devour their very souls next week, but it was a nice story nonetheless.

Elsewhere James Milner put in a brave, brave performance as he tearfully said goodbye to Villa Park to join the richest club in the world. It’s a shame his head’s been turned by the green on offer up at Man City, somebody needs to explain to him that his career can only decline now he’s joined a hastily organised, ill-balanced midfield at Eastlands. What these footballers need are people to watch over them, manage their careers and contracts and ensure they always act responsibly and sensibly, like an agent or someone like that.

Speaking of City, they might have been shocklingly slow and oft-absent against that loveable cockney rogue ‘Arry and co., but they don’t half have some good players. Bad though most of the new signings were, there were times when the beleaguered Blues looked like they could effortlessly nick a goal or two. If (and it’s a gargantuan ‘If’) Mancini can sort out the sulkers and play at least one fewer defensive midfielder, they will be a very tasty team indeed.

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