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OK, maybe that visualisation exercise wasn’t entirely necessary to emphasise the fact that Lloyd’s survival in the competition was only a result of teenage girls’ hormones in overdrive. After all, ‘A Million Love Songs’ caused me to wince more than when epilating my legs, and he was just generally stiff on stage (no, not in that way...) in both his songs, getting as far away from his ‘jazzy’ comfort zone as he could have. And though the boy kept being labelled as the “perfect popstar”, I can’t help but think that being successful as a product of a singing competition takes more work than it did in the good ol’ days of Gareth Gates.
Of the remaining finalists, it’s a little hard to ignore the massive lack of originality coming from these wannabe artists. I’m sure Simon has realised this, because he seemed to be pulling out all the stops for his own acts: from choirs of adorable children to unnecessarily underdressed dancers (Note to Brian Friedman: a bra and hot pants do not a complete outfit make). Danyl’s Moulin Rouge copycat of ‘Your Song’ was much smugger than that song is allowed to be, and ‘Relight My Fire’, though high-energy, certainly entered ‘cat-like wailing’ territory. Olly similarly over-schmoozed the camera during his ‘poor man’s Will Young’ sounding ‘Love Ain’t Here Anymore’, and while ‘Saturday...’ was a better song choice for his personality, he failed to bring anything new to it.
Stacey pleasantly surprised me by handling the very difficult low range of ‘Rule the World’, but in her second song, I realised how nervous she makes me, because I cling to my sofa hoping she doesn’t screw up. She still fails to let loose on stage or smile, and arguably hasn’t accomplished any originality in song choice since ‘The Scientist’ in Top 12 week.
Meanwhile, as much as all the judges seem to have created some sort of cartel for the purpose of pimping Joe as the next god of pop, he’s about as suitable for the music industry as a puppy. Yeah he’s cute and lovely and all, but can he really deliver the goods the music market demands? Don’t get me wrong. The boy can keep pitch and channel emotions through songs better than anyone. But his song choices have left a lot to be desired in the field of risk-taking (‘Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word’? Really?!) . And while his control is as good as any stage-schooled pro, his aggressive vibrato on extended notes has a tendency to ruin his songs, particularly the ones with beautifully simple melodies.
Despite initial promise, this season has failed to deliver any true stars – it didn’t take much more than their clumsy mimed Scissor Sisters tribute act to be followed by Alicia Keys’ awesome live mash-up to prove this. So how can we salvage the last couple of weeks? Two words: eliminate Joe. Now, before the hatemail hits me, listen: since he’s now the overwhelming favourite, if he got booted, it’d make the competition exciting again. Also, if he did win, you know he’d end up releasing a crappy album of love song covers and Broadway ballads, and eventually end up on the West End stage anyway. So why don’t we save everyone the trouble and just vote him out next week? Hmm...not likely, right?
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