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“We’re having a revision session tonight, are you coming?” a fellow coursemate asks me this week. I pause, and mumble something about being busy. Because I am busy. Sort of. For of course, this week it’s been the Britain’s Got Talent semi-finals, and for five consecutive evenings, my attention has been firmly glued to ITV1, exams or not. But with the show now on its fifth series, how much talent Britain can possibly have left? And more importantly, how much precious revision time have I wasted?
Things didn’t begin well, as Monday night had a fairly mediocre start. There were some highlights: Girls Roc treated the audience to flame throwing, live snakes and, ahem, various other assets, but could not match the mighty tweenager-bait that was Ronan Parke, with his angelic singing and trendy fringe. Pianist Paul Gbegbaje, who occupied the ‘Really Nice Bloke with an Instrument’ role for that evening, also triumphed. Fortunately, Tuesday fared somewhat better, and by the time the fifth act had arrived on stage, I’d already planned to a) adopt organist Jean Martyn as a nutty aunty, and b) adopt “cats in blender” as a new catchphrase, after Hasslehoff’s astonishingly accurate description of performance artists Enchantment.
There were definitely some flashes of brilliance later in the week: glow-in-the-dark Irish dancers The Celtic Colleens; a capella bunch Out of the Blue; and slick dance trio Two and a Half Men, were some of my favourites… that didn’t make it in. However, Wednesday and Thursday suffered such a lull in the quality of acts that it became very easy to predict the finalists. There was no question that James Hobley, a mesmerizing contemporary dancer, would beat an act that involved Chihuahuas trying to navigate their way around sombreros. Speaking of which, dogs were an overtly central theme this year, whether they were dancing (aw), singing (AWW), or being pushed around in a trolley case (…erm). I like dogs, but if I never see one perform again, it’ll be too soon.
One thing that surprised me (apart from the astonishing success of comedy dancer Steven Hall, who has to be seen to be believed), was how well the four-strong judging panel worked. Michael McIntyre remains an excellent choice, his reactions often being more entertaining than the acts themselves. Hasslehoff meanwhile, looked as though his head would explode at any moment: "GREAT JAAAHB!" he would boom at the terrified contestants, eyes bulging, teeth shining, as though every act he saw was the best act in the world, ever. It was a good idea to place him far away from Cowell, who stated at several points that he was losing the will to live. But they all gelled incredibly well, and gave the audience ample opportunity to be as pantomime as possible.
Yet I don’t feel that this series has offered anything more than the last. As much as I love contestants that are put through to the semi-finals ‘for the lols,’ there were just too many this year. Was this due to the altered judging panel, or is it just that Britain’s Scraping the Barrel? I can’t honestly tell. The final now looks set to be pretty good, although there’s nothing too special: singers, dancers, musicians, and a comedian. You’d be a fool to take this competition seriously, but if Jean Martyn and her extraordinary taste in sparkling jackets win, I will be very happy indeed.
Don’t miss the Britain’s Got Talent Final today at 7pm on ITV1.
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