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Jewellery. Ridiculous hairstyles. Teeth whitening. Yes, despite Richard Hammond’s incredibly high levels of personal grooming, he co-presents one of the ‘manliest’ shows on television (if ‘manly’ equals ‘middle aged crisis,’ that is): Top Gear. What better show to compete with then, but the lipstick-wielding, stiletto-brandishing female gladiator that is Loose Women? Of course, there’ll be no gender stereotyping in this article. Nuh uh. No way. What do you mean I’m being overly defensive?! Stop hassling me! Let’s get on with the categories…
We all know appearances are important, and that’s presumably why the set designers of Loose Women have tried desperately hard to make their studio look warm and inviting, rather than like, say, a witches’ coven. Except hot pink walls don’t feel warm to me. In fact, they burn my eyes. And what’s with those weird ornaments on the shelf? Are they shells? Are they pots? Is that where they imprison the shrunken bodies of uncooperative male guests? I suppose I quite like the pot plant. Top Gear, however, has a Cool Wall and a partly demolished Toyota pick-up truck. Coooooooool.
Scores: TG – 8/10 LW – 3/10
No matter how much fun it may seem, some of the challenges done by the Top Gear team seem truly terrifying. Driving over cracked ice at the North Pole, driving across the southern American states with provocative slogans emblazoned across the car, driving through London during rush hour… the list goes on. And yet, I’d easily do all these things if it meant I’d never have to appear as a guest on Loose Women. Carole McGiffin scares me. Don’t know why, but she does. Driving in the Reasonably Priced Car? Pah. To have survived her interrogation, you must be hardcore.
Scores: TG – 6/10 LW – 9/10
Look, there’s a reason why Loose Women won “Best Factual Programme” at the National Television Awards in 2010. As well as promoting Christopher Biggins’ latest book, or discussing Katie Price’s 14th husband, the panellists also discuss bigger issues, such as abortions and parenting. Wait, what do you mean James May’s just proved that the Aston Martin Virage has better handling than the DB9?! Oh, well, I think we know who the winner is here, then.
Scores: TG – 9/10 LW – 5/10
To be fair, the panel of Loose Women does contain the marvellous Sarah Millican. And Sherrie Hewson, who’s hilariously crackers. However, it also includes Janet Street-Porter. Sorry, girls.
Scores: TG – 7/10 LW – 10/10
Top Gear has become achingly scripted in the past couple of years. Not that it’s particularly hindered the programme’s success, but the banter between the three presenters doesn’t really sound like blokes chatting in the pub, just dads making embarrassingly coarse remarks about your female friends. When it comes to Smut Points, however, Jeremy Clarkson’s lewd comments are nothing compared the potty-mouthed cackling of the Loose Women panellists. And to sneak them into a daytime show ensures that the chat show wins here by a mile.
Scores: TG – 4/10 LW – 8/10
Scores: TG – 34/50 LW – 35/50
Woo, you go sisters! The numbers show that Loose Women wins! But, regardless of the extortionate money guzzling, horrendous planet damaging, and the existence of Jeremy Clarkson, I just like Top Gear so much more. Hm.
Nope, I’ve changed my mind and decided that Top Gear is the overall champion instead! Honestly. Women.
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