Gorillas in the mist: the wonders of male grooming

You’ve been out all day playing 5-a-side with the lads, which overran a bit due to a penalty dispute. Arriving home, you check your watch and realise you are due at the restaurant in little over an hour. You smell like you’ve been working the sewers all day, your hair is reminiscent of Edward Scissorhands and your beard is more bum fluff than hot stuff. What is to be done?

Well, for starters, chill out, you’re only making yourself more sweaty and disgusting by worrying. Relax, and let The Yorker’s token bloke help you out.

First up, the obvious. Shower. Remember, time is precious, so don’t waste it unnecessarily by scrubbing unimportant bits with too much commitment. Lots of men (myself included) would use your bog-standard all-in-one men’s shower gel to cleanse your putrid, greasy mane, but do yourself a favour and think ahead.

Why wash your locks with the same gunk you wash the other, smoother parts of your body with? At least choose something specifically for hair, apparently ‘shampoo’ is the correct term. And don’t be afraid to get girly. Hair products for men are simply slightly cheaper, a more masculine colour and lacking in choice.

Have a look in the bathroom and see what your female housemate is using. Steal hers. And remember, apparently most people start with washing their hair and move down the body. However, time is an obstacle. Have a quick scrub and rinse and then towel yourself off. It’s only a first date after all.

Now it's time for a shave. Your pubic beard may be a psychological masterpiece in your eyes - and who knows, given a few months you could look like Jesus - but in reality nobody is impressed by someone trying way too hard to grow a beard that just isn’t happening. Time to get rid.

It may seem like a pain, but the shower beforehand should help make the process quicker and easier. The water will have expanded and softened the bristles/wisps, so they should be easier to cut. You’ll also have an easier time if you whack on a little shaving oil beforehand, it will keep those bristles soft and lubricate the skin, helping the razor glide more easily.

Make sure you leave the tougher bits around the chin and lips until last. This way they’ll have more time to soften up and as a result will be eradicated easier. Step back, admire your new-found smoothness and look forward to the day when you can grow a real beard like a real man.

The pressure is off. You’re cleaner and look less like an under-developed ape, and you still have enough time to have the driver (of the bus) have you on time for your date. The only downer is the fact that you smell like a mixture of your female housemate’s shampoo and your own shaving oil/foam/gel. Kind of like you’ve been stacking different sections at The Body Shop all day.

Time for a little scent. No, it doesn’t have to be incredibly expensive, you don’t have to spend hours searching for your smell and you don’t need to splash it on in massive quantities all over your body just in case the cinema is hot and you start to sweat a little bit (as men are inclined to do).

Your aunt got you a box-set of toiletries for Christmas last year when she couldn’t think what to get you? Sorted. Find the tiny bottle of aftershave that are always included in such gifts, and sparingly spatter it around your upper neck and chin area. And Robert’s your mother’s brother, so to speak.

With that, you’re off to that bus stop. Sod’s Law dictates that the bus will be cancelled and your date will stand you up. But let’s say for a minute that she doesn’t. Let’s say that she’s the one. I’m guessing it was worth the extra effort.

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