Real men don't fight

There are no winners, you either end up a crumpled heap on the floor with a ripped Topman T-shirt and a bloody nose, or you’re the "winner", a sweaty mess with grazed knuckles and a reputation.

Why do men insist on fighting? Despite numerous unfair protestations of others to the contrary, I count myself as a man, and fighting definitely plays no regular part in my life. I once fought my younger brother over a game of netball (manly, eh?) and lost, swearing to myself that I’d never repeat the experience.

I’ve never thrown a punch, the closest I’ve come to violent physical contact being the odd girly slap now and again, though I must admit that even some of the most feminine girls would have been ashamed of my efforts. Even when drunk, my primary instinct is to cuddle and grope rather than punch and bite. Maybe I am a rarity, a man of peace amongst violent apes.

Still, I can’t quite understand the mentality of somebody who would willingly and deliberately provoke a fight, simply for amusement or out of a need to satisfy a masculine desire to fight. But what is an innocent peace-loving man to do when confronted with a burly yob whose only want is to break a bone and make himself feel big?

Firstly, if the option is there, run like hell. This is not a wimpy thing to do. Some of the greatest men of all time have been runners: Linford Christie, Jesse Owens, Kris Akabusi. Join this illustrious list. Run like you’ve never run before, leave the nasty man/men far behind, and then hide.

Remember how much fun hide-and-seek was when you were a kid? This will be just like that, only with an extra layer of competitiveness to suit you becoming a fully-fledged adult male. Ever wanted to creep around in the shadows like Jack Bauer? Now is your chance. Escape and hide from your potential attackers, and bask in your manliness as you cower in a darkened corner.

If escape is impossible, perhaps due to the exits being blocked or a nasty blister on your heel, then self-defence websites recommend taking a defensive stance. Apparently this involves moving your feet apart and setting one behind you, raising your hands and lowering your chin. Pretty much like Ricky Hatton without the muscles.

This stance will help you move around easily. Keep eye contact with your assailant. With any luck this will persuade him that you are not someone to mess with. You may even make friends. If all this fails to dissuade him from kicking your arse, raise your right arm, point over his shoulder and shout in a loud, clear voice: “Look, there’s an aeroplane”. Then revert to Plan A.

Now here’s where the problems begin, and my ignorance becomes positively overwhelming. You can’t run and you can’t prevent the fight by looking fierce or distracting your opponent. This is the point, apparently, where you need to get your adrenaline under control. The sole purpose of adrenaline is to keep you alive, but the burst of energy can be deceptive.

Calculate how serious the situation is, and remember that you are in the midst of an adrenaline rush. Regardless of what Mummy told you, losing control of your bladder is neither manly or cool. Though it might serve to put off your attacker from laying a finger on you.

Whatever the hell you do, DO NOT launch a pre-emptive strike. This puts you in the wrong in the eyes of the law, and will only provoke the other man. Evasion tactics should be put to good use, such as hopping, ducking, limbo-ing and leapfrogging. If physical contact becomes inevitable, go for his “sweet”, vulnerable spots. You should know where they are: knees, throat, nose and eyes.

Before you get carried away, let me make it clear that this advice is not meant to encourage you to knee-cap your assailant and gouge out his right eye. Act in moderation. Keep calm. Control your not inconsiderate strength. My final piece of advice is reluctantly given. A man’s testicles are his pride and joy, his strength and his weakness. Rule 11 from the International Council of Man Laws dictates that: "Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts". This is such a situation.

Land a killer blow with your steel toecaps, but beware that most men will have razor-sharp reactions to such a move. Don’t stop to check if he’s alright, yobs shouldn’t be allowed to reproduce anyway. Now is the time to run. Or, if you have the money, catch a taxi.

So there you have it. Expert advice on how to avoid a fight and end one if it occurs. Forget the assumption that men need to fight in order to prove themselves. It’s not cool or sensible. We, the best of our gender, make love not war. Be a man: run away.

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