The rules of man-dom

But flicking quickly through the rules of ‘man-dom’, something caught my eye.

Of the 26 rules directing men on how to live their masculine lives, at least eight of those appear concerned with men distancing themselves from any suggestion that they might be homosexual. On one level this is unsurprising. Many men no doubt consider appearing in the least bit gay to be contrary to manliness, or at least the stereotypical view of this. Hence, being a man involves conforming to a certain behavioural code that doubtless evolved long ago.

Take rule 24. This dictates that, ‘Thou shall not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime, green, orange or sky blue’. Ahh, a car. The epicentre of any normal, woman-loving bloke’s world. All men love cars, apparently. Big blue, red or black is fine. Any colour that could unnecessarily smear as being ‘gay’: not happening. Why is this the case? What is it about certain colours that make them in any way unmanly or, god forbid, homosexual? Ok, so brown and green are thoroughly disgusting colours for a car. Let’s count them out of them out of the equation. But pink? Lime? Nice colours. It is unclear what it is specifically about them that makes them abhorrent to the masculine persuasion.

Pause. Hopefully we can consider this first base of masculinity thoroughly blown out of the water. Colours as proof of being a man? Stupendously dumb. I’ve got more. Let’s head back to rule one. Here goes: ‘Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella’. From cars to umbrellas, fell swoop. Once again, this inane rule is based on old prejudices. Umbrellas? Gay. Two men sharing? Conclusively gay. But, once again, let us examine this. Umbrellas may be archetypically feminine in essence, perhaps because of the innate female desire to keep themselves (and their clothes) clean and dry.

One man indulging in shielding himself from the elements is seemingly bad enough. Make that two men, and it becomes unbearable. Is it the sexuality of this act? Is it the fact that these two men may have to stand or walk in close proximity to each other in order to keep dry? Whatever the reasoning, I can’t help but feel that it is thoroughly ridiculous that somebody is more of a man if he is soaked by rainfall than if he has the nerve to share a piece of equipment with another man in order to prevent this.

With your time and my space receding rapidly, I feel it is necessary to proceed more rapidly with this assessment of the stupidity of male stereotyping. Rule 26 dictates that ‘There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever’. It does not say why. In spite of being not being a fan of either of these sports, I have to question the logic of considering these sports to be less masculine than most. Ice Skating is a sport competed in by couples, often husbands and wives. Gymnastics is a solo sport.

Football, meanwhile, involves 22 men pulling at each others shirts for 90 minutes and then taking a bath together. Rugby is by definition even less heterosexual. Though it admittedly involves something similar to fighting, proper play also includes one guy reaching up between another guy’s legs in a scrum or wrestling a sprightly young lad to the ground and then holding him there. True manliness? I think not. And the rugby team attempting to prove it by stripping off at every given opportunity doesn’t really help their case much.

Other rules involve not complimenting another guy on his six-pack, unless you’re talking about his beer, or buying a present for another man. So now, apparently, compliments and gifts are gay. We’re running out of things that us hetero guys can do in order to protect our masculinity. We’re not quite done yet though. Rule 10 suggests that anyone buying a fruity alcoholic drink has also forfeited their masculinity, apart from in certain circumstances (which include the buyer being on a tropical island and being served by a topless girl). So not even fruit survives. Gay as everything else. A self-respecting man can’t even fight naked, unless he’s in jail. What on earth can a man do? One thing is for certain: he can’t cry.

Of all the one hundred percent non-manly things to do, crying must be the biggest. Emotions? Not for men. Pain? Nope. Only in certain very specific circumstances may men cry. I will list them:

1. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
2. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
3. After wrecking your boss's car.
4. When she is using her teeth.

Number four aside, indeed they are all fairly valid reasons for crying, particularly the second one (Team Jen!). But the only reasons? Crying for any other reason makes a man any less of a man? Short-sighted, stereotypical and unreasonable, in my view.

Rant over. Last week my article was accused of being pointless. This week I hope my point is clearer. Yes, we are men. Yes, we can be differentiated from women. And yes, the man laws were probably originally meant as a joke. But there is a serious issue hidden amongst the hilarity and the bullshit. The time has passed when ‘manliness’ can be easily associated with heterosexuality and avoiding anything that might be considered girly. Let’s grow up, move on and adapt to the modern man. He has an umbrella, and stays dry.

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