Alpha Male does 'The Look'

Admittedly, though, we’re not like those women folk, who have been known to spend eight days choosing an outfit that will be “just right” for that planned trip to Costcutter, accessorize so much they can’t move their arms or legs and put so much gunk on their face it takes surgery to remove it.

The choices that men face are much simpler, especially in the cooler climes of North Yorkshire. Whereas women face the dilemma of whether to go for trousers or a skirt with tights, we’re clearly going to be going for the former. While the other sex is messing about choosing what complicated contraption will be used to cover their upper body on that particular day, your average bloke will be pulling on whatever T-shirt comes to hand and heading out of the door dreaming of Holly Willoughby in a bikini.

Yet, within our more restrained clothing tastes, we still face dilemmas in what to do. Failing to put prior thought into an outfit is a crime that any woman can appreciate. A head full of Holly in the morning could make you that guy who walks down the street in stupendously baggy jeans and a Mozilla Firefox T-Shirt. Trust me, I’ve seen it. It’s not nice.

So in brief and concise style, The Yorker’s resident Alpha Male is here to dispense some quick advice, so you can get yourself sorted out and focus on important, manly stuff once again.

It’s not pretty, and its not manly

Firstly, the jeans. Don’t get ones that are so long you’re falling over them. Get them tight enough round the waist that you’re not showing off your Calvin Kleins all day and all night. It’s not pretty, and its not manly. And most importantly, don’t be afraid of being daring and sporting a pair of skinnies. Men have been daring for centuries. We’ve climbed mountains and discovered new lands. We’ve fought countless pointless wars and even been known to use the ironing board from time to time. We can fit in tight trousers. They look good. They feel good, once you’re used to the slight tightening round the crotch. Seemingly only the very bravest bloke these days goes out in skinny jeans, and I for one can’t fathom it.

This must change.

Another thing that needs changing is that guys must stop wearing polo shirts in non-sporting circumstances if they are over the age of eleven. Apparently the average British male owns TEN such offending items. Wearing skinny jeans make your crotch bulge and make you look like a man regardless of whether in reality what you’re carrying in your trousers isn’t all that too shout about. Polo shirts have floppy collars, and there is nothing manly about sporting anything in the slightest bit floppy. We need to promote hard, firm image, and wearing a shirt with an impotent collar will not do this.

Polo shirts make men look lazy and weak. Was it lazy and weak geezers who scaled Everest, discovered the New World and fought the Germans?

No. You are what you wear.

To truly be an alpha male one must look the part. You must look slick and ready for anything, yet must also avoid being ‘girly’ by spending hours achieving this.

Jeans and a simple t-shirt are still the way forward, but they must be done well. Squeeze into those jeans, and consign the polo-shirt to the squash court. Our gender demands it.

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