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As a result, I missed the chance to inform anyone new to York, or indeed any pansy who is already here, how to be an alpha male in this fair city. With that in mind here, in the style of ‘The Know’, is Alpha Male’s guide to being a proper bloke in this corner of Yorkshire.
To do this, I have divided up what all real men like into four simple categories: football, beer, women and fighting. I will proceed to inform you of the best places to find these most manly of pastimes.
For anyone questioning why I have chosen football over other sports that ‘men’ play, such as rugby, I will explain. Rugby involves grabbing the crotches of your team-mates and is usually played by namby-pamby public school boys. There is no fighting at rugby matches, with everyone getting on great. This is all well and good, but not the domain of the alpha male.
Yet, in terms of football, York is a let down. York City play within easy walking distance from town in Bootham, at the ridiculously named Kit Kat Crescent, where a student can get in for just £9. Pies and Bovril are decently priced. Unfortunately, York City are, for want of a better word, shit. It’s not even like there’s much decent football in the surrounding area. Leeds United, anyone?
Only the most hardcore alpha male, then, will find what he is looking for footy-wise in York. Never fear, beer is here! With more pubs than you can waggle your limp, hungover body at, York is a beer-drinkers heaven. Like every city, it has a decent dosage of Wetherspoons’, with the choice of the 'posh' one by the river or the other one at the top of Micklegate, where there is a choice of lagers and ales. The food is decently priced, if a little plastic. Lagerboys can have their fill in most of the public houses around the city, but if you’re seeking something with a taste, it’s worth checking out the following, all of which serve top beer in a top manly atmosphere: The Blue Bell, Golden Lion, The Maltings, Brigantes and The Last Drop Inn. I Could go on, there’s a smorgasbord of good watering holes, but save me the hassle by investing in one of the numerous beer guides available.
A trawl through the murky backwaters of Toffs (always was and always will be), Gallery and Ziggy’s on student nights will probably throw up a few possibilities on the female front. Try and spy through the windows during Pole Exercise sessions. Offer to ‘help’ unsuspecting freshers if they look ‘lost’ or ‘scared’. Or, if you’re a lazier alpha male, head down to Ziggy’s on a Friday or Saturday night, where the ladies are slightly more expensive but I guess more professional. Can’t go wrong.
As always, a DIY job. Or take a wander through Tang Hall after 6pm wearing a York University hoodie.
Works every time.
So there you have it, how to function as an alpha male in York. Granted, it’s probably not as obvious an alpha male stamping ground as other places, and a committed alpha male might find the going tough to begin with. But stick it out, find your favourite haunts and stick together.
We’re big, testosterone-filled killer whales in a very small pond. And it’s great.
I normally enjoy reading these articles. But this one just generally seems offensive to anyone who is not a typical "alpha male". Just because someone isn't an "aplha male" doesn't mean they are less of a male in general.
Your final comment:
"We’re big, testosterone-filled killer whales in a very small, incestuously gay pond.", is particulary offensive using the word "gay" as a derogatory term will offend many people.
I suggest you rethink this article and issue an apology to anyone who maybe offended my your last comment.
No offence, but lighten up...
Perhaps "camp" would have been a better choice of word. I'm more confused by what's meant by "incestuously gay". And it's a strange finisher, since the only area the author fails to be satisfied with is football.
An alpha male in Yorkshire can only play one sport - rugby league. Not played by any toff nosed southerners and a "real man's sport"
comment deleted by the author Firstly, some gays may happen to be incestuous. So the two aren't mutually exclusive.
Secondly any publication entitled an alpha male does...can't be expected to be PC or entirely seriously. It is obvious that any writer of this blog will be taking on a personna, and it's a jolly funny one at that. Expect to be offended, but don't take it personally.
After all if anyone took seriously the advice Mrs Mills dishes out in the Times their problems wouldn't be solved they'd be only getting started.
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