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I’m all up for drinking lager through funnels, strawpedoes and licking spilt wine off the floor so as not to miss out on a single drop. The delight and disgust connected with alcohol consumption have been debated in this column before, while I have also warned of the hazardous effects of the glorious booze.
Yet it has occurred to me in the last few weeks that alcohol does not simply threaten an alpha male by adding a few extra inches to his waist and limiting his prowess on the sports field - it also limits his abilities with the ladies. Part of the livelihood of any alpha male is his ability to pick up as many girls as possible, as quickly as possible. I always thought that having a few litres of alcohol in my system aided my ability to pull, but recent events have proved this not to be the case. Excess does not gain access.
Yet it has occurred to me that alcohol does not simply threaten an alpha male by adding a few extra inches to his waist and limiting his prowess on the sports field.
For a start, it screws up your motion. You start dancing at people on the dance floor rather than with them. If you ever get in close enough to make a move, you’re more likely to head butt them than land one on their lips. Blood and missing teeth are both a bit of a mood killer, apparently. This week, after a particularly heavy night on the lash where fifty-six pints of ale were consumed, I experienced the huge disappointment of not being able to snare myself a girl to take back to my bachelor pad. This has never happened to me before. I had to be satisfied with an Efes and a session of self-pleasure.
If you’re lucky enough to fluke a lass, regardless of your supreme intoxication, the likelihood of there being problems only increases when you get her home. Obviously, alpha males have no problem achieving lift-off, so to speak, though I have heard that lesser men experience problems getting the car out of the garage by the third VK apple. Yet it has been known for alpha males to fail to finish the job. I hasten to add this is not my personal experience, but that of one of my alpha male friends. Once an alpha male has suffered such a misfortune, and his story is repeated, he will never be seen as an alpha male again. Booze is thus extremely damaging to the alpha male image.
We all know what goes up must come down and where copious amounts of alcohol are involved, there's no exception to the rule. Being sick is only appropriate for an alpha male if it is part of some kind of competition with his friends, or if he has accidentally eaten something really girly like a marshmallow. Being sick on a girl or near a girl is not acceptable. Alpha males are supposed to be above such things, we’re supposed to be able to handle our drink while the simpletons vomit Cheeky Vimto into the street. Not only does throwing up destroy this image, but with it any chance of an anonymous fresher being a playmate for the evening. The devil of alcohol is intimately connected with puke, and all self-respecting alpha males should therefore be wary.
As I said, I’m not here to warn you off King Alcohol. This is the most bizarre reasoning for drinking responsibly, and I would be very surprised if it was never used as part of a television advert campaign. But be careful. Because alcohol is without a doubt the best way not to get lucky tonight.
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