The demise of an alpha male

Alpha Male

In fact, the only thing worse than fearing something, is admitting to it, as I am about to do.

Yet alpha males do fear one thing - we fear the day when we can no longer be considered an alpha. Looking ahead to the day when we might lose an arm-wrestle, load a dishwasher or get turned down by a babe in a miniskirt will make most of us shake with trepidation. We’re proud of the way we are, and we don’t want it to change. Unfortunately, an alpha male can only remain an alpha male for so long. So, like footballers who know their careers will end while they are still young men, we enjoy our short time as alpha males while we can. We gorge ourselves on good-looking girls. We revel in bullying inferior humans. We work that little bit harder than the guy next to us in the gym.

And we try to forget that it’s almost over.

Ultimately, however, it does have to come to an end. We fade away, and leave our successors to enjoy the fruits of manliness that we once tasted. Most of the old men propping up the bar at your local boozer were probably alpha males once. Now they’re lonely old farts, scorned by the ladies and lacking the legs to play sport anymore. They never learnt to use a microwave because alpha males don’t cook, and as a result they eat their meals at Tesco and then head to the pub to try and convince themselves they can still drink like a man. But they can’t, and inevitably soil themselves on the four-minute limp home.

I mention all this because the time has come for me to admit that I am no longer an alpha male. The girls I take home have become steadily uglier in the last few months, while last night I was beaten by a non-alpha in a thumb war. My sporting prowess is deserting me, while confirmation of my slow slide back to being just a normal man came when I was actually tempted to order a glass of wine in the pub the other day. My greatest fear has finally come true.

I am just the same as all of you.

Rather than lie to myself and to my readers, and carry on writing this as if I really were still an alpha male, I have decided to fall on my sword. A great man (or it could have been Neil Young) once said “It’s better to burn out than fade away”. Though I won’t be taking this too far, I feel this mantra can be applied to this situation. I take my leave now, while I may still be remembered as a nasty piece of manly work, before my reputation can be tarnished by picnics in the park with an average-looking girl and ordering a pint of lemonade at the bar.

I depart the stage so as to allow one of the new breed of alpha males to take my place. This isn’t my world anymore. I’m just not manly enough. I look back on the alpha male I once was and smile nostalgically. I reminisce about the good old days of fighting, spitting and talking about breasts all the time. Then I turn on the television and watch a programme about relocating to the countryside, cosy under my blanket and with a cup of tea warming my lips.

This is what I like now.

Add Comment

You must log in to submit a comment.