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I met with a menagerie of gay medical students (why do all medical students seem to be gay?) who I barely knew at Little John's, and started drinking copious amounts of vodka-pepsis (£1.50 with a loyalty card!) and Aquabombs (like a Jagerbomb but in an odd bottle and half as nice). Actually if I’m being honest I can’t really remember what it tasted like, all spirit-based alcohol starts to taste the same to me after a while. Then on to Reflex which was just like dancing with my mother, seeing as all the people there are probably her age. I felt queasy (from the booze, not the old women) so I ran to the toilets and made myself sick, but followed with having another vodka mixer to freshen my breath. I broke away from the group and ran to Tru, and inside my saviour awaited.
I saw the dancefloor, a blurred collection of bodies and piercing light. Without thinking I ran to the centre and started to dance. In my drunken high I forgot that I was single and failing and kept dancing to songs I couldn’t remember. The disco lights were on me and I looked up at a contented face in the mirrored ceiling. I could feel something good was going to happen and the next thing I knew, I was getting off passionately with a guy. We moved from the centre across the dance-floor and fell against the DJ booth. I grabbed him and we embraced hysterically. He was with his straight male friends who were getting pissed off and so he had to leave, but he keyed his number into my phone before he left and told me to text him in the morning. Then I looked around and suddenly I was getting off with another guy, one of the medical students. I was holding him so tight, probably too tight for someone I barely knew. He went to get a drink and I had another random guy dancing around me, and then another, and finally the medical student came back and I had three guys, all staring at me, anticipating who I would choose.
I kept dancing to my own beat. The medical student grabbed me and we embraced again, and I opened my eyes mid-kiss to see the other two guys walk off. I was a royal twat. Not because I had let the opportunity of a four-way pass me by, and not because I had led two guys on to think they were going to get with me. But because I was a huge drunken mess, and I was just whoring myself out. I didn’t want sex. I just wanted something physical, and tangible.
Looking back and thinking about how I held those men so passionately, I knew there was something wrong.
Before I came here I was running away from someone. He hurt me so much, and I don’t mean he cheated on me or any teenage stuff, but real abuse. It left me broken. Throughout the whole of first term I was adamant I wanted to be single forever. I went on a few dates, and the guys were really special. They seemed pleasantly grounded compared to people I had been with before. Everything was a lot more simple than mad “I love you forever” teenage romances and the way too serious relationship I had with my ex. But I still couldn’t hack it: I needed some time alone. Last night though, when I was holding those men so tightly, I felt like I had ‘it’ back. It was like a fire had been relit inside of me, and now I could finally start moving somewhere.
My friend was working at the bar on the Sunday night in Reflex in question and says that she never saw such a "menagerie" happen - however the lust in your sentences suggest that you wish it to. I've recently started out as a psychologist and your case interests me - I've treated some patients with a similar background to yours, often writers or unsuccessful magicians, who have sufferred from what we call "sex addiction", and reading some of your other posts it's becoming increasingly worrying that you too are sufferring from this. Do not be too worried however - this is not actually something you have to go to some kind of "sex rehab" for like many of today's wonderful tabloids tell us. Instead, I have discovered that it is in fact due to the scent of certain places that can cause people to react like this - so the next time you go to this "Reflex" spray the walls with a little mixture of hand soap and water and everything will be fine! Please let me know how you get on, it will not only be hopefully beneficial to you but also to my studies!
Dear Elusive Male (Chris Shaw?) As a York medical student I frankly resent your comments about all York medical students being gay. I have nothing against homosexuals and am all for gay pride. However your depiction of all York medical students as exclusively gay but also rampant debauchers of men has frankly detracted from my pulling power among lady folk. Now I can't even work the magic with lines such as "You look like you need mouth to mouth recuscitation!", "You must have a defibrillator because you've just restarted my heart!" and "You'll have to have a second appointment because I think I left some scissors in your stomach during the surgery!" without women walking away in disappointment. I can only guess at the impact that this will have on other straight Hull York Medical students and I will certainly be bringing this article up at our Student Body Meeting on Wednesday.
I think the point about the medical students is a joke, calm down dear.
I think the comment is a joke... calm down yourself, sweetie...
Just to clarify #2 and to all those who think I may of wrote this, I didn't. I'm editor for the Lifestyle section and this piece was submitted anonymously under a pseudonym. I can't take any credit for it.
I'm sorry to hear you feel this article will affect your 'pulling power', I guess if they read this they would automatically presume you must be gay. If you read properly 'Seem to be' is very different to 'are' and personal opinion is not banned from this section.
I hope that clears things up for you. Best of luck in your future ventures, I might even work some of those lines myself. Posing as something you're not is always fun no?
Do you mean that you're not actually the Lifestyle Editor Chris Shaw when you say your last comment, I didn't really understand. If that was the case, how did you manage to get onto his account, really you should stop taking liberties with other people's good work and stop posing just for the fun of it.
I'm not going to go into the details of the Yorker website. It would be boring. But if a writer is not registered I have to publish an article under my name, and attribute it to them. Hence "Chris Shaw -
Written by The Elusive Male". I have done this with other writers across all Lifestyle sections - it's not a new thing. And the 'posing as something you're not' was a joke about #2's comment.
THIS IS THE VOICE OF THE MYSTERONS....
Not nearly as elusive as that blasted Pimpernel! But we'll catch him one of these days Monsieur Shaw!
Best of luck. I'll give £10 to the one who finds him. Email me @ lifestyle@theyorker.co.uk with ur answer. Articles are welcome.
#2... you're ridiculous.
I love Sunday night Tru 
I liked your article - it was very thought-provoking and I hope that guy who messed you over got what's coming to him.
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