Lessons taught, and lessons learnt

What does your past hold for you?

As my nineteenth birthday draws ever closer I find myself constantly thinking about what I’ve done with my first year as a fully legal adult. This time last year I was in a relationship. It seemed great. He looked after me well and constantly surprised me. We wined and dined whenever I liked. Spontaneity was practically his middle name, and money was no issue. He made me feel like the true definition of a girl (I am biologically male, but gender-role stereotypes are a social construct!), and to quote from the famous Coco Chanel; “a girl should be classy and fabulous”. Now a year on, I am neither one. More appropriate word’s would be trashy, lazy and desperately single.

It all went down-hill on my eighteenth birthday celebrations. I got ferociously fucked and puked up on the wall directly outside of the club we ended up in. Safe to say the bouncers were less than impressed, and my boyfriend took me to the nearest chippy where I was force-fed a dirty takeaway. We went out a few days later and he was cold throughout. Promptly, we were put on a break. He said it was because I offended him when I said he gave a bad blowjob, but I was only joking! Well, half-joking. Nonetheless, my nineteenth year didn’t start out very well. Never before in all my relationships had I been put on a break, and I assure you it did not feel good.

Going on a break is like saying you’re going to do something and not following through. You come up with the pretence that in a few days, weeks or maybe months time things will be back to usual and you just need some breathing space, when in fact it’s all but a lousy and cowardly way of ending things. I know very well, having put people on breaks before. You feel guilty for doing it, but not as bad as the other person who’s stuck in stasis, waiting with the fear of rejection. Typically, with all relationship faux pas, it eats away at your moral core. It’s like cheating, lying, and messing around - they are all things I’ve done, and all things that have destroyed the boyish innocence I once had.

As I approach being nineteen, I constantly ask myself how I have become such a cynical bastard. I have had way too many relationship dramas. Once a flat mate commented on how gay relationships seem so much more dramatic than straight ones, but I don’t think this is necessarily true. I think straight relationships can get just as messy. It’s just that life is complicated and we have so many external factors that pressure and mould us into the people we are – these are bound to reverberate onto our relationships.

Call it nature, nurture, the outcome of capitalism or of celebrity culture; whatever you believe, we have ended up being complex, highly individual creatures. All with our own likes, relationship habits and experiences; the only way to treat other people is like a blank canvas with an open mind. Some men have generic tricks they use that seem to collect the masses. Maybe their games provide winning results, but they are too much hard work to feel profitable. In my opinion romance should be spontaneous, and that’s what I miss about my ex.

This has been a confusing year, as I have been in and out of relationships until coming to York. Soon after arrival life became stagnant and since that point I feel I have wasted my time. But if I have learnt anything this past year, it is that in moments of pain, sadness, rejection or loss you can always learn valuable lessons. Yes, maybe they make you more skeptical, but having some sort of guard up can be a sign of maturity. You just need to know when to let your hair down, and that is one thing I am good at.

In my last few days as an eighteen year old I won’t worry about the days I’m losing out. New Years, Valentines, Birthdays; all occasions people excessively stress out about. They’re just days. What is invaluable though is time, and not wasting a moment of it. My ex always used to tell me that “Life is too short. You need to live like every days your last” and he was so right. This year I will treat time like diamonds. I won’t be obsessing over finding a man, and I won’t be obsessing over getting sex. I’m just going to do whatever I like. So, thank you for teaching me a lesson ex, because even though we’re not together now you gave me something priceless.

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