Two-timing: double the fun, or two times as hard?

Can two timing work?

It began two years ago; I had just turned seventeen and was taking my AS-Levels. I met a boy who lived down the road from me and we started to date. He was creative, shy and introverted with a geeky manner about him. We weren’t together for very long but in the few months we were the situation became very intense. First it was sweet; he gave me DVDs and wrote me songs, and I loved it. We got high together, he’d play me a tune on his guitar, and I’d listen to the words I knew were about me.

But then things got weird; he made me this odd doll that looked like a rabbit put in a microwave, and he announced he was going to get a tattoo of my name. I couldn’t handle the intensity; I wasn’t in love with him and he was becoming a little mad about the whole thing.

Once arriving home I was hurled into the swing of long nights out, getting back around 10am, not knowing what exactly I drank, swallowed or sniffed that night. On one of these regular nights out, I was on a high, having a great night with friends when I met this boy. We were all standing outside in the smoking terrace and a few people I vaguely knew came up and started smoking and chatting drunkenly with us. With them was a boy with long, semi-dreadlocked hair and numerous face piercings. His friends left, but he stayed and somehow we got into a conversation about philosophy and art, as I learnt he was an art student, I started drunkenly ranting about Hegel and Merleau-Ponty.

After finishing probably my 4th fag in a row and saying I was heading back in, he grabs me and says “Can I speak to you a minute?” I say sure, and he pulls me into a cubby and says “I think you’re absolutely gorgeous.” I was shocked to say the least; I was convinced he was straight. I looked at him and we embraced; and yeah I was drunk and don’t remember much, but I knew it was passionate and exciting.

That same week, having not met my ex since we broke up, I saw him post a facebook status saying “I need some exercise.” So I replied, “Come over and we’ll go walk the dog.” Thinking two years on, we have both probably changed loads and can be friends. However the day turned into night and it ended with us getting high together and him telling me that he still had feelings for me. We kissed under the stars with a joint in my hands and it was wonderful. I knew it was wrong, because I could tell he was unstable, and I shouldn’t lead him on, but the whole danger of it was so exhilarating. Plus he is one of the most fabulous kissers I have ever been with, with an immensely talented tongue.

In the following weeks we continued to meet. He’d come round and we’d go and walk the dog. Then we’d come back, put a film on in my room, but lacked the willpower to get through a whole one. Then as we lay together post-sex, he would comes out with all this romantic drivel and I’d lay uncomfortably naked with my eyes tightly shut, knowing what he’d want to say. Three little words that I don’t want to hear. He knew I was going back to York shortly. I had said I was not here for anything serious but he seemed oblivious. I could constantly feel him looking at me when I closed my eyes, and when I opened them he’d be there with his weird little gaze, smiling at me. If I loved him, I’d think it was cute, but I don’t and it’s creepy.

So I decided not to feel tied down by his intensity, and yesterday, after two weeks of meeting the guy in the club we went on our first date. He took me to an art gallery, and we had an ice-cream soda. We went to his studio and he showed me his work, and it was wonderfully simple. There were no pretences or expectations of what would happen in the future. I got home in the evening on a bit of a high from what happened, but that evening the other guy decided to come round at midnight. I begrudgingly let him in and we cuddled for a few songs until I asked him to leave, feigning fatigue. I checked facebook after he left to see his newly added status “It’s funny how 20minutes can make your whole day.”

This chaos is all my fault. Firstly, why did I go on a date when I know I’m leaving next week? Secondly, what am I supposed to do about this man who thinks he loves me? Thirdly, I have a strictly no returns policy on men I have been with, so why do I let myself go back for more? I have another rule that I don’t get with people over 21 because they always seem to have so much baggage and think they know it all. I have broken my rule with both. And two artists, god could I have made a worse choice. Artists are the peak of intensity, madness and unpredictability. Either I have daddy issues and take affection from wherever I can get it, or I’m just a really bad person. Alas, I need to clean my own mess up but I’m not sure how.

So I will finish on a blunt note, as I’m lost and stuck in the mud. I really have no clue of what’s going to happen now, but I know whatever will is going to be messy. Although I can conclude one thing, two-timing, even when you’re not explicitly going out with anyone, is an awful thing!

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