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All my life I knew I was different. No, I’m not Spiderman; I am in fact a gay. Yes, that rare breed of man who likes other men, listens to pop music and wears bright, preferably neon, colours. Okay the last two aren’t true; I’m just fitting a stereotype. In fact I listen to very odd music, and if you take notice my wardrobe lacks bright colours. But that’s not important. What is, is the fact that growing up I was constantly teased for not fitting in and being different. I was crap at football, and when my mates asked me who I thought was fit, I could never give them an answer. Instead I played Pokémon and when I was dragged to a rugby match by my step-dad I spent most of it staring at the player’s meaty thighs and taut buttocks.
The people that made the experience of growing up as an outsider a whole lot worse were straight guys. The ones who would constantly nag at me and call me names. Heck, they’re the ones that made me the outsider to begin with. Now, those teens have grown up to be the men I hate. Strong and masculine jockish guys who get naked as soon as they’re drunk, and who ironically, often act gayer than me.
I work in a nightclub, and I see a lot of strange behaviour. Normally when I’m out, I’m the first one to get drunk so I don’t really notice what’s going on around me. Drunk straight guys though, more often than not, have really sexual tendencies. First they buy each other drinks. Then they’ll start grinding with their hands all over the place. If a smooth jam comes on, they’ll bust out the old slow-dance. Finally, it ends with an epic squeeze and a long and passionate kiss on the lips. Tongues are no exception. There might even be some face licking and crotch grabbing too. I’m pretty sure last week I saw three guys drop trousers in front of each other, right in the middle of the dance floor.
Sometimes at work, I’ll be staring over the counter, thinking to myself ‘why them and not me?’ Obviously no-one would appreciate an intimate kiss from a man more than a gay man. A bit of affection wouldn’t go amiss, because it’s simple really. I’m gay, I like men. I don’t want a queen, a stick thin guy with a blonde emo fringe, whose wardrobe is sprinkled in neons and glitter. I want a strong, masculine, confident man; tall, dark and mysterious. Something like a rugby player, or a jock, or even a rock climber. You know, what I really, really want though, is a straight man.
And that’s why I hate straight men so much. Dangled right in front of my face day after day, the one thing I really want; the one impossible thing. The exact same guys that made my life hell are the same guys who are my ideal type. The ones whose strong arms I want to be wrapped underneath. I didn’t grow up lusting over Graham Norton or Dale Winton; I wanted Jake Gyllenhaal and Ed Westwick. You know what they say though; you always want the ones you can't have!
They're not all twats, you know. 
This article does sound a bit 'us vs. them'.
I'm sorry you can't have us, Cem 
I love this article!
Who wouldn't want Ed Westwick, let's be honest!
This article is ridiculous. Do you think gay people have a monopoly on not fitting in because they don't like sports, and generally being bullied as they grow up? Or, conversely, that gay men couldn't like and be involved in sports when they're young? Your title should be "I hate men who play sports".
As for your nightclub reference - if true, I don't think those guys are straight. They obviously have issues with their latent homosexuality.
Taut buttocks. Unless you meant they were in fact learned buttocks
Great article! Pretty much the exact behaviour described was seen last night. Plenty of nakedness from the rugby lads in Ziggys.
I think #5 you need to go and look up being a lad. Never played gay chicken? (Not that I condone that behaviour necessarily). Cem is describing his own experience and I do not think at any point he implies that gay people have a monopoly on that sense of exclusion. But his sense of being an outsider also seems to be mixed with lust, which I assume is different to you. Also, never become a title writer.
Again, top article.
Ahhhh homoeroticism...it's all I ever write my essays about. Nice article!
#7
#5 here. Clearly, I have lived an unsheltered life, because if anyone tried to initiate a game of "gay chicken" at my school they would have received a fist to the face. I'll take your word for it, though.
As for the issue of monopolizing exclusion, I think the implication that ALL straight guys (not just the 'jocks') are the ones doing the excluding carries that inference. Hence my less outrageous (but more accurate) title. As #1 said, the article has a distinctly 'us vs them' feel to it.
Obviously there's a problem whenever you generalise a massive group of people - my boyfriend is straight, but he hates sports and is into arty and creative things, hence already defying this stereotype. But I don't think it undermines Cem's point, in that the qualities he looks for in a partner tend to not apply to gay men. There are obviously exceptions to the rule, but they're probably harder to find.
I must admit I had apprehensions about this article when I saw the title... but I think it's pretty clear Cem's "hate" of straight men is very tongue in cheek.
As for the debate surrounding "gay chicken", I think the modern man is generally quite homoerotic. Admittedly not always, but there are a lot of straight men comfortable enough with their sexuality to "act gay" with their friends. I'm one of those men.
comment deleted by the author Ah. Do I really have to break out the ole "outrage caused by straight man writing article about hating gay men" card? With the best justifications in the world, I can't see there's any difference here.
13 This article isnt calling for straight men to be sectioned off or denied the vote it's more of an envious piece - and a good one at that
13 here. Brad, I know it isn't. It's not seriously attacking straight men, but at the same time, it does contain the sentence "there’s one thing in the world that I hate the most, and that’s straight men". I'm wondering why this sort of sentiment is perfectly fine and acceptable, and nobody would like to challenge it, when at the same time an article containing the phrase "the one thing I hate the most is gay men" would probably get the author kicked out of the university. I point toward that comment piece from Vision a few issues back, in which the [straight] author questions the merit of LGBT and whether it's appropriate to simply lump "non-straight" people into one group. The backlash he recieved for that was incredible. Is it not unreasonable to at least cast a critical eye over this piece?
DM, your logic makes no sense. Cem says he hates straight men essentially because he wants them and can't have them - a straight man wouldn't write an article about hating gay men because he wants them and they're unattainable.
Before I get much further with this, believe me. I understand the writer's reasons for writing this article. Seriously, I do. Hates straight men because they form a "forbidden fruit", so to speak, which he will never be able to get at. He is perfectly justified for thinking this. What I would like to know though, is whether or not he should automatically be allowed just to get away with writing such things as "I hate straight men". I know a straight man wouldn't write an equivalent article, but that's not the point. Perhaps I should write an article outlining all the reasons why I hate black people, just because I've never dated one. I'm not saying he is wrong to write what he has, but at the same time I don't agree that justification for doing so makes him immune from criticism.
Danger Mouse, it's called irony.
Hate to warm up the stale cabbage, but if, as a heterosexual man, I were to write an article proclaiming "I hate lesbians", and justified myself on the grounds of tongue-in-cheek irony and the fact that homosexual women were 'unattainable' for me, what would be the response? Outrage, and rightly so. So what makes this article any different?
Talk about comment Nazism.
Danger Mouse, were you to write an article on why you hate blacks, even if it were to be ironic, you would attract criticism, but you nothing should stop you from writing that article. The same goes for the last commenter.
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