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1. Watch chick flicks
Both genders have their stereotypical LCD (Lowest Common Denominator) of a film genre; for boys it’s big explosion-fests filled with car chases and gunfights and attractive ladies in bikinis who kick ass, while for girls it’s the chick flick. We both know our respective LCDs are awful in their own ways, but we are also hard-wired by our chromosomes to enjoy them (even if we claim to do so “ironically.”) However, when a man is made to watch a film of the opposite gender’s LCD, we fail to see anything beyond the fact that the film is terrible as we lack the necessary biological makeup to enjoy it.
2. Clothes/shoes/jewellery/make up shopping
We won’t care because we won’t understand. Male shopping is usually an incredibly simple and brief affair, usually consisting of nothing more than locating a desired garment, making sure it somewhat fits, then paying for it and leaving. We will never understand the draw of “just looking” at items we don’t need and are never going to buy. If it is absolutely necessary to have your man accompany you on a shopping trip, try and go to shops that have so-called “husband chairs”, in which we can simply collapse in a bewildered heap and drift off imagining what it would be like to be a cowboy or whatever else our simple minds can dream up.
3. Bond with your fathers
“Ooh, the football/Top Gear/barbecue meat grilling show has come on, we’ll leave you boys to it.” A sentence like this, followed by a man’s other half walking out of the room leaving just him and her father is enough to strike a wave of icy dread into the heart of any man. Boyfriends and their girlfriends’ fathers are destined to have an awkward relationship in which the boyfriend is desperate to curry the father’s favour, while the father observes the boyfriend with something akin to indifferent rage. That’s the way it’s been for centuries and how it always will be, don’t try and force it, it will only lead to both parties embarrassing themselves.
4. Care about what happened in the X Factor/Glee/Strictly Come Dancing etc
If we wanted to know what happened, we’d have watched it, and any attempt to make us care is ultimately futile. I speak from experience here of the shoe being on the other foot on the occasions that I have tried to make my lady-friend care about what happened in the cricket. If someone doesn’t care, they’re not going to listen.
5. Attend an event with just your girlfriends
While a true lad may initially cheer at the thought of being the only male amidst a sea of “clunge”, the reality is that there can be nothing more intimidating to boy. We will spend most of the evening being utterly clueless as to what to say, always aware of the danger of sounding like a GBF (Gay Best Friend), and when we do eventually attempt some foray into the conversation, it will most likely result in our having said something wholly moronic that displays our bumbling ignorance of the female race.
The answer is to merge #3 with #4 and or #2... your girlfriend's father hates shopping and X-Factor too, use these common bonds to distract him while you slip under the radar and fuck his only daughter.
No help on why you never called her back.
Cliche, stereotypical rubbish. Why are you even bothering? What has the Lifestyle Section come to?
Wow, harsh much #2? This article is obviously meant to be a lighthearted joke and I thought it was quite funny. Lighten up.
When you've been reading the yorker for as long as I have, you realise there are just some commenters that seem to like bitching about absolutely EVERYTHING.
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