“Do you even know who I am?” Why you should never meet your musical idols

Loulla - contemplating shattered fantasies

It’s everybody’s dream to meet that one musician who manages to light up your world, whose music has become the soundtrack to your life and without whom you just don’t know if you’d still be alive. You have the completely unfounded yet definite surety that were you to meet you’d get on like a house on fire.

The fantasy may play out something like this: you’re in the crowd at Brixton Academy watching the best gig ever - and suddenly you’re spotted by said idol, dragged on stage and handed a guitar. Then comes the most amazing jamming session ever known to man, before you and your heaven sent guitar are whisked off-stage to drink and smoke the night away at the after party, where you and the love of your musical life become the best of friends. Forever. The end.

Not quite. The important (and quite painful) thing we all have to remember is this: no matter how amazing Bob Dylan, Bob Marley or Marvin Gaye may make you feel when you listen to them, they are still just people. This means that, as nice as bands may appear, they still get pissed off from time to time when being attacked by fans, and though you may know everything there is to know about Jamie T or Devendra Banhart, they don’t know anything about you. So looking at it from their point of view, you’re looking a little creepy right now.

Johnny Borrell is as much of a wanker in real life as he appears in the press

Of course not all musicians are condemned to the label of ‘wanker’, there’ll be plenty of people who can testify that their idol was all that they’d hoped for and more. It’s only when they have some kind of attribute that you find repulsive in a person that really smashes the halo around their head. James Brown a.k.a. ‘The Godfather of Soul’ was repeatedly arrested on domestic violence charges, Elvis Costello (whether he meant it or not) still called Ray Charles a “blind, ignorant nigger” and Johnny Borrell is as much of a wanker in real life as he appears in the press. I have it on very good authority from a London friend of mine that Johnny shouts, “What’s my name? What’s my name?” whilst on the point of orgasm, and, when not satisfied with the answer “Johnny” he demands “No, my full name! My FULL name!”

That sad fact is that meeting your idol could be the worst thing to ever happen to you. The minute you say hello, shake their hand or receive a smile, you realise them as fully real, flaws and all. The best thing you can hope for is a friendly acknowledgement, a ‘hello, nice to meet you’, a nod, or a ‘thank you’ to try and keep the fantasy intact, because once they’re real, there’s no going back.

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