Singles Club

Katy B – Broken Record

I’m not the first person to say this by any means but this song does sound like the intro to BBC news. Not necessarily a bad thing but when you’re actually disappointed at hearing an artist sing and not the updates on Colonel Crazy in Libya you have to wonder if it’s a good basis for a track. Now Katy B has released tracks that deserve a broken replay button but, shock horror, this isn’t one of them. The chorus blends seamlessly into the verses, so seamlessly that can be missed entirely due to sheer banality. When a track is called ‘Broken Record’ and you find yourself grudgingly agreeing, it’s best just to bin it. - Jane Catterall

The Hoosiers – Bumpy Ride

Going more than overboard with their use of synths in this track, The Hoosiers are unwittingly sparking connections in my mind between them and the ‘Being a Dickhead’s Cool’ video. An upbeat and optimistic track that’s unfortunately also terminally boring and repetitive. Earlier hits ‘Goodbye Mr A’ and ‘Worried About Ray’ were at least catchy; in comparison 'Rough Journey', or whatever it's called, is just plain dull. Sorely tempted to post “I play synth, we all play synth” in place of this song, it would undoubtedly be more entertaining. - Lucie Vincer

Jennifer Lopez ft. Pitbull – On The Floor

So Jenny has crawled out from the block she’s been hiding under and she’s brought Pitbull with her. Joy. This comeback single (she’s also a serious actor dontcha know) is mediocre at best and has undoubtedly set the standard for her singles to be come. Watch out world. The lyrics on this track are cringe worthy at best (remember La Lopez is 41) and the rapping is a disgrace to reggaeton but at least the chorus is catchy, oh wait, that’s from the 1989 song ‘Lambada’. It’s not offensive and could be a good summer tune, I suppose you could listen to worse...? - Jane Catterall

Flo Rida ft. Akon – Who Dat Girl

Among the utterly turgid and inanely vapid collection of singles out this week, Flo Rida’s effort stands out as a triumph of possibly unrivalled glory. I particularly enjoy such stellar lines as “She ain’t a rockstar, but she got boobies/ She ain’t no actress, but she make movies.” In the video these truly inspiring lyrics are coupled with images of people taking photos of said imaginary woman on their camera phones, most likely for personal gratification later. Yay! Objectification of women! Something new and different for the Hip Hop industry! - Lucie Vincer

Don’t let the pessimism grind you down, we promise better singles soon (please God of Music please). Until then, let the sullen review monkey put a smile on your face. Oh he’s not happy with this week’s singles, not at all – sort it out music world!

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